Once again it has been too long since I’ve shared what God has laid on my heart, but here I am. This theme of home is something that I’ve been thinking about for awhile, but I’m just now ready to put pen to paper and share it. As I always do, I pray that the message I share, will be used to help you wherever you are on your journey and ultimately draw you closer to God and His will and direction in your life.
Many of us hear the word, “home,” and immediately think of a place, a house, an apartment, or maybe the house the we grew up in. We think of “home” as a building, but I argue that it is so much more. Yes, we’ve all heard the old saying, “home is where your heart is,” but how many of us have stopped to really think about and deconstruct that saying? How many of us get caught up in how nice our house looks, what kind of house we live in or building the “perfect” house? How many of us focus on the outside and don’t really focus on what is going on inside our house and our heart? We get caught up in the frivolous, the temporary, the extras and don’t really focus on what is going on in the heart. You see, what I believe the word, “home” means is the heart of the home, not a house, not a shell, not what you see or what will fade away, but the core of who we are, what we value, what we stand for, what our family stands for. Recently, we finished building our dream house. It was literally a labor of love and took a LOT of time and energy to build. It was not something that I ever intended to do, nor did I originally want to build a new home or have anything any bigger, but like so many parts of my story, God had other plans. Just a couple of months after Brian and I started dating, we started discussing buying a home together that we could live in after we got married (yes, we knew that early on that we were going to get married :-)). So, less than 2 months after we started dating, we went to look at houses, not thinking that this would be something that would happen soon, but to dream and plan for our future. We really thought it would just be fun to see what was out there, but God has something else in store for us on that fateful house-hunting day. We stumbled into a model home that happened to be unlocked and like so many incredible things that have happened in our lives, the minute we walked in, we knew that this was supposed to be our house. Yes, it was beautiful. Yes, it had beautiful extras. Yes, it had lots of space, but it was SO much more. It represented starting again. It represented beauty coming from ashes. It represented rebuilding and starting again. We were ready to put an offer in, but it wasn’t meant to be. The next day we discovered that our dream house was already sold. We were devastated and felt like we must have been wrong. The next weekend, we decided to venture back to the house to make sure it was truly sold. After realizing it indeed was gone, we happened to stop by the builder’s office and after discussing our love of this house and with many butterflies, discussions and prayers, we put money down on the same floor plan and started building our own dream house. I’m sure our family and friends thought we were crazy. We had only been dating 2 months, we had no official engagement or wedding date, but we knew without doubt that God had planned this for us and we were ready to walk this journey. The journey of building our home was definitely not an easy one. From delay after delay, to issues selling our other homes, to months of driving 30 minutes one way to to take Kaitlyn to school, to finally moving in, it felt much like many things in our life, not easy, but definitely worth it. Those months, though hard, taught us so much about each other, about relying on God and about patience. Coincidentally, our family word for the year, is patience, so we definitely had to remember this on the journey. So, why do I share all of this? I’m not just talking about a house that we built and how great it is, I’m talking about something so much bigger. You see, all those months of building, preparation, delays, worries and patience, helped to build not only a house, but a home and family. Just like our builders were laying the foundation, building the walls, painting and finishing our house; God was doing the same within our family. He was laying the foundation of what was important to us. He was shaping and refining our life. He was rebuilding us from the brokenness of our pasts. He was helping us to prioritize what was important, what needed to be done and He was helping us to remember that what was on the outside isn’t was is important, but what is inside counts. I believe that God has called us all to so much more than just looking a certain way, having certain things or pretending that things are perfect in our life. Those are all just the exterior shell or “house” part of you. What God wants for you and for me, is to truly make us like a home. He wants our home to be a reflection of Him. He wants our heart, our goals and our focus to be on Him. He wants us to build something in this world, that won’t simply fade as it grows older. He wants to build us into a home that reflects His love to the world around us. He wants us to hold onto the things that don’t fade away. Family, friendships, serving, being outward focused and He wants to use you and me to be the best home we can be. We may only temporarily live in the world, but the impact we make can last an eternity.
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Hebrews 11:1 Living Bible (TLB)
What is faith? It is the confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. It is the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us, even though we cannot see it up ahead. I grew up surrounded by faith. My dad became a Christ follower late in High School, moved to a college across the country and eventually gave up a high paying job to pursue his calling into ministry. My mom supported his calling and lived by faith in her role. I saw their faith in action each time we moved to a different church (one move was from Florida to Washington) and I believed them when they said God had called them and that we must obey. I can look back at my family and our life while I was growing up and see faith interwoven throughout the years. From the times God showed up financially just when we needed it, to God's protection from certain things happening, to his peace in the middle of tough times. I can look at my developmental years and see God's faithfulness in action. I really didn't doubt through all those years that God was faithful or present or that He had the best intentions for me. My faith wasn't simply the faith of my parents, it was personal. However, I never completely bought into Him and completely trusted and had faith in Him until VERY recently. You see, throughout all of these foundational years, though we faced hardships, I never really faced difficult times that didn't seem manageable. I could rely on God, but still figure things out myself. That's what happens when you are a control freak. You trust in God slightly. You believe in Him mostly, but you are still trying to pull the strings. You do things in your own timing and when things don't work out right you beat yourself up because you are ultimately in control, right? Before Darren's death, I had dealt with health issues, infertility, job losses, financial hardships, but each time even though God showed up, I somehow thought it was me working things out. I pulled myself up by my "shoestrings" and kept going. My strength, my hard work, my focus moved me ahead. I hate to admit all of this, but that's really how I felt. I loved God, believed in Him and WANTED to trust Him and have faith He was in control, but I could not completely jump. I sat at my life group this week discussing with these incredibly ladies that God just recently brought into my life, my story. As I talked about Darren's death, I said to these new friends that I lived the first almost 38 years of my life trying to control things. I described it like a puzzle. You see I was constantly working, striving and fixing things. I was putting the pieces together and relying on my strength to make things right. I did this even after Darren died. I thought I could figure it out. Yes, God was there, but I was the one putting things back together. I was keeping the finances going, taking care of Kaitlyn, selling and buying a new home, starting a business and doing it on my own. However, the pieces just wouldn't fit. I tried to fit the corner pieces in the middle and the middle pieces on the edge and NOTHING was working. One day, God broke me and my puzzle broke into a million pieces and nothing I could do, move, say or strive for was going to put it back together. Why? Because I'm not the one that is supposed to fit it all together, God is. He is in control and when you have faith in Him, he works to put all the millions of pieces of a shattered life back together. He makes the most beautiful picture out of all of those broken pieces. His picture is beyond anything I could have planned, worked towards, or created. So, this takes me back to the title of this blog. Why, jumping off? You see, I lived 38 years of my life standing on the edge of the cliff of faith. Many times, I got close. I peered down over the edge and thought, "should I jump?" "Can I really trust God when I can't see what is at the bottom?" "Will He really come through for me?" In those times, I decided to not take that final step of faith and trust that He had a plan and that He would catch me at the bottom. I chose to keep controlling things, holding onto things of this world over the things God had planned for me and sadly I missed the exhilaration of that jump and the peace that comes when you COMPLETELY trust and have faith in our creator. I still have to make a conscious decision to have faith in Him each day, but let me tell you that jumping off that cliff into the arms of our amazing God is far greater than anything this world has to offer! Take the jump with me and choose God and HIS plan for you. I can tell you, it is beyond anything I ever hoped or imagined. God truly loves you and wants the best for you and me! Do you ever feel like you are being hit over the head with something and you are too stubborn to see or acknowledge it? If you are anything like me, I'm sure you do. Today I was confronted with some things that God was DEFINITELY showing me that He wanted me to share. This may be the hardest blog I've written because I'm going to be a 100% honest. No sugar coating. No putting on a brave face, just 100% real me. Here it goes and I hope God will help others who often struggle, like I do, to be authentically who we are.
The honest truth is I've lived much of my life as a hypocrite. I've pretended to be okay when I'm not. I've pretended to be holy and following God's ways when I haven't. I've pretended to be strong, content and happy when inside I was as weak as they come, discontent in every way and incredibly unhappy. I would love to say this has only been something that has only happened through the grief or trauma that I've faced the last couple of years, but it's something I've struggled with for years and years. The need to pretend to be okay and often times being something I'm not. Today, two things happened. Two God-sized things that made me share. The first is a song we sang at church, it's called Miracles. Like I often do, music inspires me and makes me think. The song is about the God of miracles who can work miracles in our lives. (I've posted a link below for you to check it out, warning it is a powerful song). As I sang and worshipped today, I realized all the miracles God has worked in my life. I could stay here and list them for hours, however I want to just hit a few. God miraculously brought Kaitlyn and I from tragedy to now feeling blessed in so many ways and having a bright future ahead of us. He provided. He carried us when we couldn't walk. He brought us through financial issues. He helped us through so many ups and downs. He led me to start a business. The biggest miracle He did was to change me, convict me about some major things in my life that were sinful and bring me to a MUCH different place. This was not done by my own strength or by my own power, but simply by confessing to Him, acknowledging that I had messed up and that things must change. He helped me recognize I was very unhappy and unfulfilled without Him being #1 in my life. I made poor decisions. I chose the loves of this world over the love of a God that is bigger and greater than ANYTHING this world has to offer. God has set me on a new path. Living a life that I hope honors Him. He has shown up again and again in ways both big and small to let me know He loves me and wants the best for my life. You may say these aren't miracles, but I would disagree, there is NO way I would be where I am today without His miracles in my life. The second God-sized thing was the message our pastor preached. It was about being a hypocrite (remember how I said earlier this is something I’ve always struggled with?). I won’t be able to be able to explain it in the way that he said, but let’s just say it impacted me. After all the miracles in my life, I realized that I still struggle to be authentically who I am. You see, I want to appear like I have it all together. I mean after all, I’ve faced tragedy and somehow I have survived it. This is where the God part comes in. He doesn’t want me to pretend to be okay. Pretend to be perfect or pretend to have it all together, that is being a hypocrite and that does not point anyone to Him or His power in my life. The only reason I have survived is because of a God that loves me and cares about me and every detail of my life. He wants me to be all HE has created me to be, not some “perfect” person who tries to act like I have it all together. One of the many powerful statements that our pastor said today that stood out to me is that you are only as strong as you are honest. I believed that I was strong, but I haven’t been completely honest about how hard things have been, how much I’ve struggled or how much I’ve disappointed the heart of the very God who created me. I want to live an authentic life. I’m so blessed that God has worked miracles in my life. I would not be where I am today without Him. I am not strong without Him. Every blessing in my life is because of Him. Someday, I will stand before Him and have my sins, my failures and my faults shown to everyone, the authentic, sinful version of me. However, by God’s grace, I also have the hope and miracle of eternal life to look forward to. I want Him to be proud of me, not the perfect me, but the authentic me, who showed my faults and failures to those around me, so that I could be stronger through and only through Him, that is truly a miracle. www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOslAAUcKcc To say 2017 was an eventful year would be an understatement. Honestly, when I look back at the year, I can barely grasp how far God has taken us and how deep His love is for us. From trips, to moving, to job, school and relationship changes, it has been an interesting and often trying time.
When I walked into 2017, I didn't know what to expect. How would our grief be in this new year? What would homeschooling be like? Where would we go? What would our future look like? When I look back at 2017, I see one word interwoven throughout the year: growth. Growth physically, spiritually, emotionally, relationally and growth for our future. 2017 was the year that we stepped out in faith and begun homeschooling. I was terrified and not sure how I would teach Kaitlyn anything, let alone help her with math and science. Yet, God provided again and again, from our co-op, to friends who guided me, to a child that was very receptive and disciplined. It hasn't been easy, but it was just what we needed for this season. 2017 also saw us move, renovate, downsize and focus on the fact that stuff isn't important. It has completely transformed our view of possessions and material things. This move also helped me a great deal with my control issues. There were SO many things out of my control and it truly made me rely on God and not try to figure it out alone. When the inspection didn't go as planned, when the renovations took longer than expected, when the downstairs flooded, I had a choice to make; let it ruin me or let it grow me. 2017, also saw me dating again. Though, I'll spare you the details, let's just say this was one of the hardest parts of the year for me. I learned a lot about trusting in God's plan and not relying on my own understanding. I also learned that God has far better plans for us than we could ever hope or imagine and He was working on my behalf even when I didn't know it. I'm happy to say that God has been by me and Kaitlyn each step of this journey and He blessed us with the right person, at the right time. God is good! Most importantly, 2017 has helped me grow closer to God and has completely transformed my view of Him. I never allowed myself to be angry at God after Darren died, however I did wonder and question why and what I had done to deserve this. This attitude seeped into the choices I made. I didn't believe that He always wanted the best for me. I didn't believe I was worthy. I thought I could figure it out on my own and let me just tell you there were some dark days when I tried to go at it alone. God brought me back from this darkness. He pursued me and never stopped pursuing me. He reminded me that he loved me recklessly and only wants the best for me. He loves me and He will never forsake me or Kaitlyn. So, as we are all faced with a new year and a clean slate, I want to ask you one question: Are you allowing God to pursue you? Are you turning to Him for the answers or like I've done too many time are you trying to figure it out on your own? I'm going into 2018 believing that God has an incredible plan for my life. I'm believing and holding onto His promises for our future. I'm allowing Him to love me recklessly even when I fail or stumble. I pray that you can embark on this new year remembering who and what God is and what plans He has for you. Below is a song that is very dear to my heart. I love being reminded that God never gave up on me and He did everything to help restore me and bring me to Him. He loves us all recklessly and may we not forget that in this new year. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLFak6N04GY Part of the Louvre, a building with a pretty incredible history and story to tell. Being in England and France has made me think a lot about history, the past and what is left behind. London and Paris are full of history around every corner and down every street. I always think about what stories these old buildings would tell if they could talk. What famous person stayed in them? What wars and changes have they seen come and go? What would they tell us about the city they reside in, the people that live there and the character and heritage these people have left? I'm fortunate that I have a pretty incredible heritage. As I reflect on my life, the life of my parents and my grandparents I see God in each generation pouring his love and provision on each of us. My mom's parents were some of the most godly, hard-working people you could meet. They taught us to love God, love others and make family a priority. When they died, the memories and stories that were told about them, revolved around people who no were not perfect, but chose to take a certain path where they gave love and sacrificed to pass on an amazing heritage to their kids, grandkids and great grandkids. My dad's mom (my grandfather died when I was very young, so I unfortunately don't remember him) was one of the most generous people you would meet. She had the memory of a much younger person and she never failed to call each of us on our birthdays. How she remembered all of them, I cannot fathom. You see my dad was one of 7 kids and there are so many cousins and second cousins, I can't even put a number on it, yet she never missed a chance to call and give us a birthday wish and say I love you. She opened her home to anyone who needed a warm place to sleep or a hot meal never thinking if herself. Then there are my parents. From my earliest memories, we always had an open door policy to anyone who needed help. We have funny and scary stories about some of the unsavory characters my dad helped along the way. My house was always the hang out place and my parents were always the second parents to my friends. It was the same for my older siblings. We learned early on that generosity and showing and sharing God's love, was just part of life. As you can see I was blessed to have an incredible and godly heritage. Why do I share this? It's not simply to brag on my family (they are incredible though), but more importantly to help myself and those in our generation to think about the heritage we are leaving behind. What are we doing to pass on a godly heritage to our children and their generation? Have we lost sight of this in our technology minded, fast-paced society? Have we shown them how to be unselfish and generous by being selfless and giving to those around us? Have we made our lives only about what we want or do we truly care about others? I for one know that I haven't often done a great job of this. I get caught up in my own desires and needs and forget to show Kaitlyn how to truly love others like God loves us. I am determined to continue the godly heritage that has been passed onto me. I believe that during this Christmas season, we should take the opportunity to look outside of ourselves, our wants, our needs and desires and do some things to show God's love to a world full of darkness, sadness and pain. I hope you will join with me in caring about the heritage you are passing on to your children's generation as well as generations to follow. Just like those old buildings in London and France, I want the stories my life tells to be full of joy, love, generosity and most importantly God's love. The Shard building stands behind a cathedral that is over a 1,000 years old Here I sit in another country, on another continent and all I can think about is how God is working on and in me. Yes, I've shared my journey with each of you and yes, I've always tried to be transparent, but honestly in recent months I've felt like I've veered off the path God had planned for me and allowed my own desires, hopes, dreams and wants overtake His will for my life. With my new home almost complete and with lots of changes taking place in our life, it has made me reflect on God and what I'm working to allow Him to change within me.
You see I have peace for the first time in a long time. I have hope that He has plans for our future. I see Kaitlyn moving into a new phase, with a new attitude and hope and it makes me feel incredibly blessed. God has promised to do a new work within us if we allow Him to. We never have to worry that He has the best desires for our hope and future because He ALWAYS does. The part that you and I tend to get caught up in, is our own agenda and not trusting His timing. We want it our way and as I've written about recently, I'm not a patient person, so these concepts are especially hard for me. I've thought about this new Amy and how God is working, convicting, cultivating and stretching me and how He is bringing me back to being all He has planned for me. While I've toured London with Kaitlyn we have seen some incredible buildings, sites and learned some great history. One of the many things that has struck me here is the reality of having a 1,000 year old building standing next to and in stark contrast to a building like the Shard in London. Is one better than another? Does the beautifully designed old cathedral mean more than an engineering feat like the Shard? They both have beauty. They both represent someone designing, creating and building their vision. When I look at my life, I see a lot of old, broken, but beautiful buildings. They may be sad in some ways, but they also are my history and my past and they still line the streets of my life. I also see these new things God is doing in my heart and life. He is building something beautiful that will become an engineering feat in my life. Something I could never imagine or believe was possible after my pain and sadness. God is working on this old, broken down building and I'm excited to see how He will continue to build me into something new. What work do you need to allow God to do in you? Have you veered from His path? Have you allowed your own desires, wants and plans to cloud what He has planned for you? Do you have some broken, but beautiful buildings that line your path that you know need to not be the only buildings in your life? All He wants is the best plans for you. Your journey to becoming new and all He wants for you may not be easy, but if you and I turn to him, He has promised to make us new creatures. Let's allow God to build us into His beautifully designed creation. This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 2 Corinthians 5:17 NLT The beach always makes me want to slow down, relax and be more patient. Patience is not a word I like, but it seems to be the word that God is revealing to me again and again lately. I taught at our homeschool co-op to my young elementary class about perseverance and patience this past week. As I spoke with them, I realized the lesson was one I needed to hear. I feel like I've learned to persevere in hardship, but am I truly being patient for what the future holds?
My life feels like a crazy town of uncertainty these days. Currently, I'm sitting in the middle of my new living room on a couch that I'm sleeping on because my bedroom is being painted and having carpet replaced. Nothing in my house is done, from the kitchen to the bedrooms to the bathrooms each room requires some sort of work. Just like everything else in life, we have timetables and believe things will happen in that designated time frame, but rarely is this the case. As I wait, not so patiently, for all my subcontractors to finish on my house, so I can decorate and put things away, I realize even in this God is teaching me patience. When we are waiting and learning to be patient, we have a few choices to make. Do you have faith God will come through? Do you really believe He is faithful or do you like me often believe your faith isn't strong enough to get through this next phase in life? I believe that in these moments of patience we can learn so much. We can learn what we truly believe in. We can learn what we are truly made of. We can learn to slow down, trust God and trust the process and we can learn to truly be thankful when we reach that end goal for something we have been waiting on. These days my life seems like one big waiting game. It seems like everything is a loose end, with nothing being resolved. It has seemed like that for the last eighteen months and so many times I grow weary of waiting. I want to have things finalized. I want to know Kaitlyn and I are going to survive whatever comes our way. I want to know that we are going to be okay when all the dust (both literally and figuratively) settles. No, I'm obviously not naturally patient, but I'm resolved to lean into God and let Him guide me in this time. He does have great plans for all of us and He does want us to succeed. I will work to wait patiently and see what His future is. Will you wait with me? Will you look to God when you want to have in all figured out? Next time you see me sitting impatiently at a stop light, remind me that patience is a virtue and God has great plans for you and I! Kaitlyn on the wall that she first climbed to the top on and also had her first fall on. Would you believe me if I said that grief can inspire you? I don’t mean like inspire you in a happy way, but it can inspire you and change you positively, if you let it. I’ve said it before and I’ll said it again, when you are faced with tragedy, death and hardship, you can walk one of of two roads; giving up or choosing to live on. Facing death and tragedy has definitely changed Kaitlyn and I. Some of these changes have been negative, but I want to share with you one of the ways that death and tragedy has inspired us and helped us grow stronger. I know I’ve shared how fearful and hesitant I was before Darren died. I had so many fears, I would have to start a new blog to share them all. I lived afraid. I hated sleeping in a house alone and would often contemplate the worst case scenarios in my life. My fears impeded my life. They negatively affected my relationships, including my marriage to Darren. They affected how I parented, what kind of friend I was and almost each and every choice I made. Kaitlyn was also very fearful. She didn’t like trying new things if she didn’t know the exact outcome. She constantly questioned everything. While many kids played different sports and rode different rides, she would hold back until she was absolutely sure she wouldn’t get hurt. The night that Darren died, all of my fears came rushing to the forefront of my mind, they paralyzed me. I couldn’t imagine how Kaitlyn and I would survive this tragedy, let alone be stronger and less afraid. The changes in us did not happen overnight. There were LOTS of restless nights, tears, screaming, cursing, anger and questions. However, there were also LOTS of prayers, love and support from everyone around us. Eventually, we begun to change and grow stronger. We sought help from counselors. We made the hard choices that included leaving a job I loved, taking Kaitlyn out of a school she loved and recently selling our dream home. The old Amy would have been so paralyzed by the fears and what ifs that she wouldn’t have been able to handle all of these changes. The old Kaitlyn would have never accepted homeschooling, making new friends and moving to a much older, smaller home. Yet somehow, with God’s help and with a lot of support from those around us, we find ourselves much less afraid as we move, get ready for an international mother/daughter trip in November and start a brand new chapter in our story. We are choosing to not let these new versions of ourselves to be guided by fear. This last weekend, we decided to try going to an indoor climbing place and we joined it. Kaitlyn and I were looking for some kind of physical activity we could do together and climbing sounded like a great option. A few minutes in, while we were doing our required training, I was questioning our choice. Would we really be able to overcome our fears and do this brand new, scary activity? After a few slow starts, Kaitlyn began to climb the largest and hardest wall she had done yet. She soared to the over halfway point and then without hesitation started to repel down. Even after seeing all the amazing changes in her and myself over the last seventeen months, I was still shocked as I watched my child do something without fear. The thirteen year-old Amy would have never done such a thing, especially without hesitation. We’ve returned everyday since to climb and I’ve seen her grow even more confident and fearless. Yesterday, she reached the top of one of the walls. She was so proud of herself and I was beaming with joy for her. She attempted the same wall again and actually fell and hit the wall a little. We were talking about her fall and my very wise thirteen year-old, said to me, “Mom, I thought it would be scary to fall, but it really wasn’t a big deal, it made me a better climber.” We continued to talk about falling after we finished climbing. We both decided that overcoming our fear of falling made us a much stronger climber. It made us take risks, it made us look for the routes that weren’t always the safest, but would get us to our ultimate goal of scaling the wall. Wouldn’t it be incredible if we all lived our lives that way? What if you and I weren’t afraid of falling? What if we kept the ultimate goal in mind and made the hard decisions? Wouldn’t that bring incredible freedom? I’m going to continue to climb with my daughter. I’m going to continue to let death and tragedy be an inspiration to me and not allow me to be paralyzed. I’m not going to pretend that I’m not a little (or a LOT) afraid of the next part of our journey or what our future holds, but Kaitlyn and I will continue to climb, knowing that there is nothing to fear in the fall. Kaitlyn and I in front of our house, shortly after we moved in. Many of you may know that my house recently sold. It is just a house, but it represents so much more for Kaitlyn and I. It was our dream home. It was a home that represented all the hard work that we had put in to get to a great place financially. It was a hard decision to choose to sell and honestly I don't know what our future looks like, but I know most certainly it doesn't include this house. We are downsizing, simplifying and choosing a future of love, travel, adventure and entrepreneurship over staying in a house that no longer fits us or feels like home. This house represents a different life we used to live. A life full of expectations of a happy and "normal" future. This was supposed to be the house Darren and I lived in when we had to send Kaitlyn, our only child, to college. It was supposed to be the house where we celebrated Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations and weddings. We would have conversations with Kaitlyn about boys, dating and where she would go to college in this house. Darren and I would spend sleepless nights here worrying about where she was and why she missed her curfew. We would have my grand babies sleepover in this house. We would put a swing set in the backyard and have the grand kids play with the coolest grandparents ever. Obviously, I've thought a lot about this planned future in this house that was supposed to be our home for many years. I remember telling Darren when we bought this house that we better love it because I never wanted to move again. I absolutely hate moving, uprooting our life, decorating, figuring out where things should go and starting again. I told Kaitlyn that our next move would be to a retirement community on the beach somewhere, so she must be prepared to visit her parents there. Now, here I am only a little over two years later making the often misunderstood decision to move forward and sell this house. I’m also embarking on making the largest decision I have ever made without Darren. I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want to make a mistake. I don't have to do it. I can stay here, but yet I know it's time. I felt God compelling me long ago, but pride and fear kept me here. Now, with an offer accepted on a new place (after more than a few setbacks, questions and tears), we are setting out on a scary and very different adventure. It will be hard. It will be emotional and it will be a huge adjustment from here to there, but I know we are doing the right thing. We are moving forward. We are stepping with faith into an uncertain future. We are leaving the comfortable for the unknown. I'm always reminding myself that God doesn't call us to be comfortable and that we often have to take these hard steps to see what he has in store for us. I know God isn't done with Kaitlyn and I yet. We will make new memories and we have hope for an incredible future. It won't hold this house, but it will hold possibilities, love, laughter, adventure, and a place to call home on this incredible journey of life. We step forward reminded that a house is just a house, but we can make a home wherever we go. Just some of the many amazing memories we were able to have with Kaitlyn. She may be our only one, but she is such a blessing and part of God's perfect plan for our family! If you are anything like me, you are always trying to plan ahead. What are you going to eat for dinner? What are you going to do this weekend? What next big trip is on your list? Where do you see yourself in the future? All of these things require planning, working towards a goal and expecting to see the results achieved and things turn out how you planned. (If you are not a planner, I hope you will still hang with me because I believe that everyone has a desire for some control of their future). I’ve been a planner since I was very young. I was always asking my parents what we had planned, what we were going to do, what fun things were in store. I had a plan in place about what my future would hold, what job I would have and what my “perfect” life would look like. When I look back on young Amy and her plans for the future, I realize that very few, if any, of those plans came to fruition. You see my life has not been a straight path, following a certain plan, and now as I sit on the other side of a very hard 14 months, I’m realizing that is okay. If you have seen a trend as of late in my blogs, it revolves around control. It is a funny thing when you write things out during the grief process and begin to see God working in and through many of the issues that I have always struggled with. Control is one of the ones that comes up again and again and it all goes back to the plan I had for my life. I would like to share, for a few minutes, about my plan and show how God’s plan has emerged instead. Maybe it will help you as you are facing an uncertain future. Maybe you need to be reminded like I often do, that we are not in control of our futures and we need to trust that God has a plan for our life, even when your life and my life does not turn out as expected. I grew up in a very typical, Christian family. My parents are still married and they love each other. We were not perfect, but we had a fun and memory filled childhood. I have a great relationship with my siblings and I’m blessed to have a role in each of my nieces and nephews lives. We were never wealthy, but I truly never knew what it was like to go hungry or have a need beyond those selfish things that all kids want. I was able to go to college and even had a scholarship that allowed me to graduate debt free. I married at 21 and Darren already had a brand new house that I helped pick out and decorate. We had our daughter when I was 24. We traveled. We never went hungry. We could afford Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, and anniversary gifts. I was blessed to be able to stay home with Kaitlyn when she was born and never have to put her in a daycare. If you see this side of my life, you might be tempted to say, that my plan went pretty perfectly and that I was able to control how things went and was incredibly blessed. I will agree that I was blessed. I know so many who have struggled more than I ever have, but things definitely did not go according to my plan, nor am I sitting on this side of the table thinking about how things have worked out exactly as I wanted or hoped. When I went to college, I started out as a pre-law major and quickly realized I was not smart enough or committed enough to pursue that degree. I then switched to criminal justice before finally settling on sociology. I went to the Christian college that all my family had attended and honestly I hated it the first year. I missed living in the Northwest. I missed the mountains. I missed my friends. I missed all of this so much, that I ended up applying for and being accepted to a large state college in Idaho. I was in the process of moving colleges, when my Mom and Dad, wisely ask me if I had sought God in this decision. Well, as a cocky 18 year-old, I hadn’t and quickly felt God telling me to put on the brakes for this cross-country move. I decided to stay at my college and 4 months later met Darren and 16 months later was engaged to be married to him. If I had followed my own “perfect” plan, I would have never married Darren, had Kaitlyn or been blessed by the friendships that I have from college that are still a part of my life today. When I married Darren at 21, I expected things to be amazing, happy and full of laughter each day. I’m not going to say that we didn’t have a happy, good marriage, but we did face a lot of trials in our marriage. When we had been married about 5 years, we faced some MAJOR marital issues. These issues sent us into counseling for 6 months. Things were bad and I almost walked away. I wanted to walk away. This was not part of the plan. My parents were happy and had given me a great example of a healthy marriage. How was it that I was being faced with trials in my own marriage after a few, short years? The controller in me, was angry and I wanted to quit and pursue my own goals and dreams and not work to try and make things work, but I chose to stay and fight for my marriage. Darren and I committed to make the best of a bad situation and it made us stronger and helped us rely more on each other and strengthened our relationships with God. We would have celebrated 15 years of marriage the month after he died and our marriage was better than it had ever been, when he passed. I’ve shared before that we struggled with infertility. Well, a lot of our marital issues stemmed from these issues and the feelings and stresses these placed on our marriage. We were incredibly blessed to have Kaitlyn after a very tough pregnancy, but we were angry that things did not work out for us to have another child. It didn’t make sense. We were good parents. We were making our marriage a priority. We could afford to take care of another child. We were ready with arms wide open to meet another child, yet for all our trials, testing and medical procedures, we could not conceive. It made no sense. I had always planned to have 4 kids. Darren wanted at least 3 and having an only child was definitely not part of our plan. How was this part of God’s plan? Though, I still grapple with this issue, God has taught me a great deal over the last 14 months about this part of His plan. Mainly, what He has revealed to me, is that we were able to have some special moments as a family of 3, that we would not have had the money or time to do, if we had a larger family. Darren and Kaitlyn had such a special relationship, because Darren was determined to make our only child a huge priority and create memories for her since she didn’t have siblings. It is so special to look back and see how God’s plan in our family was and is very different than my own “perfect” plan. As I look at my current life, nothing has gone as planned. I cannot say there is one area of my life that is exactly as I expected it to be. As I get closer to turning 40, I’ve become even more contemplative about the goals and plans God has for my future. I still work to understand how my life as it is, is God’s plan for me. How could a great God take Darren from mine and Kaitlyn’s life? How can I be back in the dating world as a grown women who expected to grow old with Darren? How can it be that I'll never have a "typical" family again? How could all this be His plan? How could I be faced with an uncertain future and believe it is His plan? These are questions that I face each day and yes there are times that they make me doubt, but I want to leave you with the lessons that my planning and the uncertainty of my future have taught me:
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. |
Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
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