Kaitlyn and Darren at the beach a few years back. Today, I attended service in Austin at my brother's church, Austin Stone. There is something about their church and the worship service that always makes me emotional and makes me look at things differently. Last time we were here, Kaitlyn became overwhelmed by emotions and after many discussions and prayers, after that weekend, it led us down the road of homeschooling. This morning was no different. We began to sing “How Great Thou Art” and I truly struggled to sing this beautiful hymn that I normally enjoy. I started to really question if my God is truly great. How could a great God allow my husband and Kaitlyn's dad to die? How could He allow me to become a widow at 36? How could Kaitlyn be left to live a life without a dad at 12? I felt my heart being overwhelmed by those questions. My mind flashed back to that awful night and I truly questioned if my God is great. Then their pastor got up to speak. He talked out of I Peter 1:8. He spoke about how we can know we have genuine faith. He spoke specifically about belief and having faith and trust in God in the middle of life's storms. Though I believe I've been dependent on Him, have I truly held onto Him in this storm? Have I trusted Him to lead me? Do I believe He is great? I honestly can say that I don’t always have faith and trust that He will help me and Kaitlyn through this. I many times question whether he will help us to get through all the storms that will come along the way, however I want to live my life believing that God is great and faithful. I want to be an example of His great love and wisdom, even in the midst of life's storms. If I can truly live that way, I believe He will allow me to be an example to Kaitlyn. He will also allow me to be an example to my family, friends and those I surround myself with. I do not want to do this because I am simply strong and people admire me or because I know how to weather the storm, but because He is truly great in my life and He is leading me through the storms of my life. If you look up the history behind “How Great Thou Art,” you will learn that the writer of that poem and hymn, wrote it after watching a storm quickly blow through and afterwards leave a beautiful, serene setting. What about the storms we face? What if we believed that when those pass (quickly or not), if we stay connecting to God, we will find beauty and peace? What if we lived our lives knowing that we will have perfect peace, if we just can trust God through the strongest storms that we may face? I want to say that I weathered this storm and that I grew through it. That I became stronger, not by my own determination or drive, but because of a God that is working in and through me. Let's weather the storm together friends. Let's live a life of genuine faith. Let's lift each other up in our storms and let's come out on the other side truly saying, How Great Thou Art! Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy. 1 Peter 1:8 NIV
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Darren and I with our wedding party, at the church, the day we were married. As I sat in church today, I reflected on my past (I do this a lot these days). Most of my memories revolve around Darren and the way my life used to be, but as I sat in church this morning my memories went full circle. The church I sat in this morning, is the church that my parents pastored at when I was born. It is the same church that my mom and grandparents were charter members at. When my parents moved back to Oklahoma, they began attending there. The church holds so many memories for me. My grandparents were the janitors there, when I was little, and I spent many hours helping them clean the church. I went to the nursery there. I attended Sunday School there when I came to stay with my grandparents in the summer, after we moved away from Oklahoma. My brother attended this church in college. We visited many, many times through the years. When Darren and I were deciding where to get married (the large church we attended did not have a great facility for weddings), we searched around and finally came back to my origins. I married in this church and walked down the aisle, on my dad’s arm, to my love and to my future, in this church, over 15 years ago. We celebrated my parent’s being honored for exceptional service in this church. We celebrated the 50th anniversary of this church and were reacquainted with many from our past. When Darren died, the church we were attending did not have their own facility. After much thought (as much as you can think in that state), we called my parent’s pastor and simply asked if they would be willing to let us do his funeral there. They graciously and kindly agreed and went above and beyond that day to help and accommodate us. I remember greeting my family the afternoon of the funeral in the same room that I got dressed for my wedding in. I remember walking down the same aisles to bury my husband that I walked down the day I married him. I remember feeling like as much as my wedded life and future had started in this church, it was ending on that terrible day in May that I buried my husband. I remember sitting there thinking how could a place that held such joy, hold so much sadness for me today? I stared at the beautiful blue and red stained glass windows thinking, “this is it, I’ll never find happiness again, here is where it began and here is where it will end.” All of those things, hit me as a sat in this very same church today. You see, this is the same church that Kaitlyn and I now attend. We were in the process of changing churches when Darren died because our church was evolving into a new ministry and it became vital that we find a church and find one soon. We visited about four different churches and I prayed and sought for answers about where to go. One day, it just hit me, go back to the place that seems like home. Go where God leads and He will show me that I still have purpose and that my life did not end on that terrible day in May. All of this hit me full force today. All of those moments that I have had in this church. All of those monumental moments that mean so much. I have had many people question how I can go to the place that I held Darren’s funeral at and all I can say is that it feels like home. After all these reflections today, our very wise and kindhearted pastor spoke about our purpose (how timely, right?) He talked about how our life on this earth is preparation for eternity and that our life is an exam that is preparing us for eternity. He reminded us that we have a far more significant purpose than simply surviving or succeeding by the world’s standards. We are called to something so much bigger, greater and more important. We are called to make an impact on this world. We are called to move in closer to God and find His will and purpose in our lives and live that out everyday. This resonated with me because I’ve struggled so much with my purpose since Darren died. Darren had a clear purpose, here on earth. He wrote, he shared and he used his God given talents to reach others with the message of God. His purpose was also leading our family, being an amazing father and husband to us. He was not perfect and sometimes he struggled to fulfill his purpose, but he definitely had an eternal, long-term purpose. I have no doubt that he is celebrating in heaven, with God, and the loads of people who have gone before and that God greeted him on May 3rd with, “well done, good and faithful servant!” No, Darren wasn’t perfect, he struggled, he worked to overcome flaws, faults and sins, but he ultimately kept that eternal perspective and lived a significant life, here on earth, and is reaping the benefits today, in heaven. With all of that in mind, I often work and wonder about what my purpose is. Why did God leave me and take him? Why am I with all my faults, flaws and sins here and Darren is not? Pastor Hardy’s message reminded me this morning that God has a plan and purpose for me. I do not need to seek this purpose from anywhere but God. I may not know what He has planned for me. I may not know what my future holds. I may not see His plan quite yet in this tragedy and in my loneliness, but I will seek His plan and purpose for my life and keep my eyes on eternity. I will leave you with a verse that I have known since childhood, but that I remind myself of each and everyday and that has a whole new meaning since Darren’s death. May God reveal His purpose and plans in your life and may you be unashamed and fearless to follow His plan and purpose! And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28 |
Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
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