Darren & Amy before a Coldplay concert Surprise, surprise, Darren and I did not have a perfect relationship. We were together over 17 years and hundreds of arguments occurred in that time frame. I know I’ve mentioned that Darren was a LOT more easy going than I am. He let things roll off of his back, much better than me. I on the other hand have a temper, am a little (or a lot) more stubborn and like things done a certain way. This meant I won most arguments (at least in my mind), but I think Darren most importantly was okay with letting me be myself and support me even when he did not 100% agree with my point of view. One of the more memorable arguments came up when I wanted to get a tattoo. Darren was not opposed to them, but he did not necessarily want his 31 year-old wife getting one. I told him about how I considered myself an artistic person with no art abilities and that a tattoo was an outward symbol of things that I carried in my heart. It was also a tattoo that represented motherhood and came after a 5 year battle full of surgeries and ultimately the acceptance that we would never be able to have another biological child. It represented the miracle child that God had given me and how important that role is to me. So, with my side and his side presented, we finally agreed and I got my first tattoo. When Darren died, I immediately knew I needed another outward reminder of what was in my heart. Ironically after our arguments about tattoos, a tattoo was what I wanted to get to represent how important Darren was and would remain in my life. I joked that Darren would be mad, but I knew how he loved and supported me even when he didn’t 100% get my perspective. I did not know what I wanted and I truly believe that if you can’t imagine a tattoo that you are okay with having still when you are 90, you shouldn’t get one. After a reminder by a very wise friend, I started thinking about Coldplay, our shared music of choice. Darren and I often had different musical tastes, but Coldplay was one of those that we always agreed on and each Coldplay album represented different parts of our relationship and family. The most recent album, included a song called “Everglow.” I had listened to the song hundreds of times, but after losing Darren, like so many other things, it carried a new, deeper meaning. The whole song speaks about the light that those that have left us, leave us. It keeps us warm when we are cold and it shines on in our life, after they are gone. The last line simply says, “if you love someone, you should let them know, that they light they left you will Everglow.” I knew what I wanted and now I carry a daily, outward reminder of Darren that says “The light that you left me will Everglow.” On Sunday, our pastor spoke about the star that shone when Jesus was born that brought the wise men to see him. He asked us to evaluate whether our light was shining brightly and pointing people to God or whether the weariness and troubles of this world had dimmed our lights. This made me think of Darren and the light that he had here on this earth, the light that he has left me. What is the light that he has left with me? It’s the daily look that Kaitlyn has that is an exact replication of a look her dad made. It’s Kaitlyn’s silliness, laughter and corny jokes. It’s his friends who carry on sharing Darren sized love to the world around them. It’s him in my heart that tells me to love instead of judge. Taking each day as it comes and trusting in our God who will carry me. It influences each decision I make. It influences how I parent Kaitlyn. What type of friend I am. Whether I share the love of God with our hurting world. Living my life wanting to leave a legacy for my daughter that will shine on long after I’m gone. Darren’s light still glows in my life, in Kaitlyn’s life and in the life of everyone that he touched. Is your light shining? Are you living your life to help others and leave a legacy far beyond worldly things? Will you allow your light to be dimmed by this broken world or will you shine brightly to the people around you? I know for me, that daily, outward reminder that Darren’s light will Everglow in my life, changes my perspective and keeps me ‘focused on the right things. I pray that your light can shine and that you can carry on the legacy of those that have left this earth. Please keep your light shining in this dark world! Philippians 2:15 “...then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.”
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The crazy trio having fun during Thanksgiving, 2015. As I enter Thanksgiving week, I'm finding myself struggling to be thankful through my current circumstances. I can easily find myself feeling sad, lonely, angry, depressed, frustrated and fearful, but thankful is not one of my normal reactions through my grieving days. I'm dreading this holiday season. The shared times as a family, the togetherness, the pictures, Christmas cards and family moments. Most of those include a regular family, not my 2 person family whose days are filled with much more sadness than joy. Truly what do I have to be thankful for and can we just fast forward until January? As I was struggling through these feelings, Kaitlyn and I sat down to do our devotions. That day's devotion was about being thankful in ALL circumstances, even in our suffering. As I continued to read the devotions and subsequent scriptures, I started to cry and was extremely convicted by the fact that I must be thankful in and through my present circumstances. Kaitlyn and I ended our devotions by discussing Darren and what we miss about him and what we are thankful for, even now. It was a great exercise to really contemplate how even in these terrible circumstances, we do have things to be thankful for. I remember much of my thankful attitude before Darren died was about material things and was normally followed by "it could be so much worse, so I guess I'm thankful." Well, now that I've lost Darren and suffered a tragedy far greater than any of those worse case scenario things I ever feared, I don't want to do that again. I also don't want my thanksgiving to be based on things I have, how much money I have in the bank, what job I have, car I drive or anything so temporary. My thanksgiving now is focused first and foremost on my relationship with a God who has carried me through the valley of the shadow of death. My thanksgiving is for relationships and the people God has surrounded me with. A closer relationship with my sweet daughter than ever before. Family and friends who have been by my side and who haven't left me alone in my suffering. A husband who left a legacy. A long-living, life breathing legacy. A legacy that pushes me everyday to love like he loved and live like he lived. A hope for heaven and the best reunion with Darren that is beyond my wildest dreams. So, instead of focusing on my present circumstances and suffering and living there, I will focus on those things I truly have to be thankful for. What if we shared those true and real things around the Thanksgiving table on Thursday? Instead of the obligatory, "I'm thankful for this good meal, car, house etc." Those things are ALL temporary. Darren took none of those with him. I still have all his stuff here with me on this earth. You know what we do carry with us eternally? Our legacy! Our relationships! The people we love and who love us! Don't forget what is important in this world and don't forget to be thankful in the midst of all circumstances. Happy Thanksgiving, friends and family, I'm SO very grateful for you! Always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:20 Some of our family on the day Darren baptized Kaitlyn. Monday night, I went to my grief support group. I have been blessed to start building relationships with some very amazing women in my group. As strange as it sounds, I look forward to this group each week and the conversations and connections that we have because of our shared grief. Monday night’s group, was particularly hard for me because we discussed regrets. I’ve never been one to focus on regrets, but grief brings forward a great deal of regret. We wrote down things we wish we could have done differently, what we wish we could talk to our lost loved one about and what we would do if we could still spend time with our loved one. I honestly, do not enjoy crying in front of people and am often perceived by even close friends and family as strong. This is definitely not true, but I fully admit it’s hard for me cry in front of people besides my closest friends and family. Monday night, I cried and I mentally relived the night that Darren died. As I wrote down my regrets, they flowed freely onto the page. I came to the question about what I wished I could do with Darren, if I had more time left. I was surprised to see that it wasn’t go on one last trip or do something extravagant. Instead it was spend time hanging out, cuddling, being together as a family and just enjoying the little things. A kiss, a hug, a shared TV show, while snuggling on the couch. A quick trip to the grocery store. A quick conversation about how our days are going. His input on what I’m doing with and for Kaitlyn. All of these seem so little and ordinary, but yet they are the things that I crave the most. I often spend my days alone with Kaitlyn and very little interaction with anyone else. Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed by that girl and all she means to me, but it is lonely. Darren was my lifeline. Through the years of having a young child, being a stay-at-home mom, cleaning people’s houses, PTO, and all the other odd jobs I did to help support my family, I never really built a lot of long-term relationships, I didn’t have to, I had Darren. He was my person, my best friend, the one who did all those little things with me and for me. When something broke or I was broken, he helped me get fixed. I miss each of those things and I regret ever taking them and him for granted. In our Facebook society, we don’t post a thank you note to our husband for picking up dinner, taking out the trash, hanging out with the kids just so we could have a much needed break. Those are the little things. We focus on the big, broadcast worthy things. We give the snapshot of a life filled with fun trips and perfect family photos. Yes, I believe those are still meaningful and important, but at the end of the day, what fills most of our moments together? Those little things. The things we take for granted and forget to say even a simple, “thank you” for. I would love to see us acknowledge those little things more often. I would love to see more Facebook posts and handwritten thank you notes written, praising our friends and family for the little things that they do. I’m praying that you don’t take those little things for granted and lose sight of how important they are to your relationships. We also need to be better about helping those that may not have people to help them with those little things. Your single friends, your divorced, single parent friends, the widow, the orphan, the elderly neighbor who never has a visitor. What little things could you be doing to make their day better? What things do we take for granted that we could do for others? I’m going to close by acknowledging some of the amazing people that have stood in the gap for me since Darren has died. No, they do not take his place and yes, I miss him and all of those little moments and things with every ounce of my being, but these people are just a few of the people that God has placed in my life that have helped me survive thus far in this crazy journey and done millions of “little things”. My parents, they have done too many “little things” to list, but mostly they let me cry, share and stand in the gap to help with Kaitlyn and love me unconditionally even in my most crazy moments. My brother, sister, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, nieces and nephews. They are the best family a girl could ask for. Not only have they grieved with me, they have held me when I cried, helped me fix things, find things and never been scared away by my grief. My best friends (you know who you all are :-)) . When Darren died they were all there, checking on me and they haven’t left my side. From the late night texts when I’m not able to sleep, to the conversations about heaven, to carrying on Darren’s memory, to helping with Kaitlyn, I couldn’t ask for better friends. There are so many more that have stepped in and provided lots of “little things” in Darren’s absence, but I would have to write a book to acknowledge them all. If you have texted, shown up with a meal, prayed for us, called us, supported us emotionally or financially, encouraged me or Kaitlyn when we were having a bad day, asked about how we were doing or simply cared, you have made a difference, so “thank you.” It means the world to us to have so many people who love and care for us in our darkest hours! When you get married, you choose the person who you hope brings out the best of you, for me this was Darren. I met Darren when I was only 19, he was 25 and he was smart, sweet and understood me in a way no one ever had. He had this tender-hearted way about him that just drew me to him. I knew I wanted to get to know him better and eventually he became my best friend and then my boyfriend and two a half years later, my husband. He challenged me and he helped me grow into a better person.
The day we stood before God and our family and promised to love each other "until death do us part," Darren shared his personal vows with me. They were eons better than the vows I wrote and they were incredibly emotional and heartfelt. I had no doubt of his love for me or that he would cherish me in the years ahead. Fast forward a few years, we were young parents, facing new challenges and our marriage hit a large pothole. We chose to fight and to fix what was broken, we reaffirmed our love and commitment to each other and we held onto "until death do us part." We hit a few smaller potholes, along the way, and we had to go back to that initial commitment and reminder of why we loved each other, but we stayed on that road, that route and even with those crazy potholes, we grew stronger and closer. We cherished our time together and our friendship and love for each other deepened. When I faced years of health issues, Darren was not only my nurse, but my cheerleader, my encourager and he reaffirmed his love for me each and every day of a VERY hard battle. I was not always easy to live with or love, but he still did. He never gave up on me, he always stood by whatever crazy idea I came up with and supported it (though I'm sure he was thinking I was CRAZY). I also started to see his confidence grow, he was being reaffirmed by me and by God that he had a greater purpose on this earth. This started to change him into an even more amazing person. He was quite literally the best dad to Kaitlyn. He loved to spend special moments with her and he looked for opportunities for them and our family to experience life together. He simply was the best father, husband and friend. No, not a perfect person, but an amazing, godly man who made my life worth living and who I consider to be my better half. Now, as Kaitlyn and I face an uncertain future without Darren, I'm left struggling with how to move forward without the best part of me. When you have someone who is your best friend, cheerleader, encourager, nurse, sounding board and an exceptional, loving father to your child, how do you do anything without that best part? How do you face the day alone? How do you make those hard decisions without them? How do I move forward without the best of me? This has been one of the hardest parts of this lonely journey. I am now forced to accept that I will not have Darren back. I will not have a regular conversation with him this side of heaven, but I am learning that I do still have the best parts of him. How is that even possible? Darren left me the best of him. I still can hear him telling me to go to the doctor when I'm sick. I still hear him gently reminding me to show Kaitlyn grace and love when all I want to do is yell at her. I hear him saying that he is proud of me, that he knew I could do more than I ever believed possible. After you spend almost 18 years with someone, those best parts live on in you. They have influenced you in so many ways and still continue to influence you in every decision and step you take. I also have the privilege of having the best of Darren in Kaitlyn. She is so much like Darren. Her sense of humor. Her love for life. Her compassion for those around her. The type of friend she is. She is truly the best of Darren. With God guiding me, Kaitlyn by my side and all the pieces Darren left me in my heart, I know that I still have the best part of me and I will face this journey everyday and make him proud. Top Left: Darren & Amy at Darren's 40th Star Wars Birthday Party. Top Right: Darren & Kaitlyn on Father's Day 4 years ago. Bottom: Darren teaching and following his passion. I used to be passionate, outspoken, unafraid to share and speak my mind, even when my views and priorities weren't directly in line with those closest to me. When and why did this change? Why did I suddenly care so much about being different? Why did I care if I wasn't a cookie cutter version of those closest to me? When did I lose my passion? Why did I lose my passion? I have lots of excuses and reasons that justify this loss and make it seem okay and dare I say it, "normal." None of these are okay! I was not made to fit a mold, fit in or be less than God created me to be. I was made to stand out, stand up for my beliefs and be passionate about what God has laid on my heart. Even in this journey of widowhood, where I feel so passionate about sharing and feeding into other people from my hurt, I hesitate. I stop and ask should I? Is this the right thing to share? Will people take this wrong? Will they think I'm exploiting my journey so people feel sorry me? Then I stop, feel convicted and reminded of the things that I'm passionate about. Those things that God has put on my heart and I trust in His calling and leading on me. The Bible tells us that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made." It does not say we are all made alike, for the same purpose or the same set of passions. If we all did the same job, hobby, exercise etc., how much fun would that be? But, dare I push this a step further? If we all were passionate about the same causes and people groups, who would be getting missed? God did not give you the same passions and calling as me and you must follow those. We all must begin to reach out to those that God has called us to help, without apology and without worrying about what others think. Who could you be helping today? I pray that you, like me, can stop worrying about upsetting others with our convictions. You and I can stop worrying about what people think of us. We need to look into our hearts and realize that we are all placed on this earth for a reason and for a short time, to be everything God has called us to be. I'll end by sharing about my favorite person and what he taught me in his short time on this earth. Darren was a writer and an amazing one at that. He could make even a real estate story come to life in ways most writers dream about. However, he found out that God had given him a greater passion to reach people with his writing about God. He felt so passionate about this that he left a very good job to pursue a job in the ministry. To the outside world, it didn't make sense and no it wasn't easy and honestly it was some of the toughest years in our family, but I wouldn't trade those 4 years he had of pursuing his passion for anything. He touched people with his words, he overcame a fear of speaking in public and helped lead hundreds through finding their God given purpose, people came to know God because of his writing, he changed into an even more amazing father and husband, all because he followed his passions and believed God had created him for something more. Be unapologetically you today. Don't be afraid to follow the passions that God has put on your heart. Stand up for those people groups that you know God wants you to. I promise you that even though it may not be easy and other people may not understand, at the end of your life, you will not regret following your calling and believing in those things you are passionate about. Today marks 4,380 hours since I've had Darren by my side. If you are trying to figure it out that is 6 months. I can't believe it has been that long since I've heard his voice, had a conversation with him, held his hand, kissed him, had him tell me he loves me or just had a glimpse of his face. There are moments that make those 6 months seem like 4,380 months, not 4,380 hours and then there are moments that make me think it was just yesterday because it seems impossible that he has been gone 4,380 hours.
In many ways, grief is like a roller coaster. You get to the top and think, "man that was hard, I'm glad I made it this far." Then comes the downhill, where you are falling with nothing to catch you and emotions running like crazy. We once rode "Rock 'n' Roller Coaster " at Disney World and it was inside and in the dark. We talked Kaitlyn into riding it by telling her that it did not go upside down because she was terrified of upside down roller coasters. We honestly didn’t know it went upside down and it was one of those parental fail moments. You couldn't see the turns, hills or loops that were up ahead. You really didn't know what was coming around the next corner, and that is definitely how grief works. It is not a cycle, a set of stages or a map written out for you, it is a dark roller coaster and everyone's ride is different. After 4,380 hours without Darren, I'm truly tired of riding this grief roller coaster. Most days, I brace myself scared of what's to come on the next hill for us and how we will handle it. On Tuesday, I had a particularly frustrating day trying to get things lined up at work (I recently resigned) and for Kaitlyn with her new school schedule. All I wanted to do was call Darren, have him listen to me vent and then give me some of his encouraging, wise words. Instead, I sat in my car and cried to Kaitlyn about how much I missed her Daddy and wanted him more than anything. I do continue to hear his voice, his wisdom and most importantly I try to make him proud, but unfortunately that doesn't take away the grief or allow me to get off this crazy roller coaster. I still have to face each of those hours alone and it is only with God's grace and His strength that I can continue to survive on this crazy ride. I would like to leave you with some encouragement (though I am trying to be honest about how hard this roller coaster is) and with the perspective of someone on the other side of loss. What will you do with the next 4,380 hours? Will you argue more with your kids and spouse; be angry at that crazy driver that cut you off; be resentful of the friend who is selfish; be unkind to the people around you that you don’t particularly like; lose your temper when things don't go your way; wonder why your life isn't better and constantly compare yourself with others OR will you seize each of those hours that you have been blessed with? Will you instead make the choice to tell your spouse, your kiddos, your family and your friends how much you love them, even when they disappoint or frustrate you? Will you make the sometimes unpopular decision to make certain things, like quality time with those you love, a priority or will you spend more time watching a favorite show and telling those around you to give you alone time? Will you go out to coffee or dinner with that friend who is hurting and spend some time feeding positivity and kindness into their life, even when you would rather be watching the aforementioned show? Will you reconcile with the person that hurt you and offer forgiveness even when you were the one wronged? Will you choose joy when life does not go your way, your finances are a mess or your co-workers drive you crazy? Please, hear this and please remember that you truly never know how long you have on this earth. If you are like the me before Darren died, you probably believe that it will never happen to you (I pray with all my heart it doesn't), but PLEASE do not allow this to let you miss a moment or take for granted those you love. Seize each and every moment and hour you have with those you love, enjoy them, forgive them, cherish them, love them and embrace the life that you have been given! |
Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
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