This week I feel worn out, worn down, emotionally exhausted and not sure how to continue on this road of grief. I'm sad, lonely, heartbroken and missing my best friend, Darren, more than anything.
This week is one of those special weeks that is supposed to be shared with Darren and instead I'm facing it alone. You see our only, beautiful, miracle child becomes a teenager this week. The child who Darren and I prayed for together. The child who we raised together. The child who had an inter-uterine birth defect and God miraculously healed. The child that changed our lives. The child that made us parents. The child that made Darren into an even better, more God-fearing man. A man that loved his wife and daughter more than anything, outside of God. The child who was and is the light of our life. Now, the only other person who loves her in the same way I do, is gone. I'm left to parent her alone. I'm left to try and instill in her all the things that her Daddy and I would have instilled together, without him. Some days I simply get overwhelmed by this "solo" parenting gig. How will the death of her dad affect Kaitlyn for years to come? Will we struggle through these teen years without Darren here to play referee and be our buffer when we are butting heads and both showing our stubborn sides? All of these questions seemed to rear their ugly faces as I'm faced with the fact that she is about to be a teenager and I'm parenting her alone. These questions haunt me as I look through baby and childhood pictures for her birthday. As I see the pictures of her and Darren and our little family and realize those moments are gone. Each time we are faced with a new "first," it hits both Kaitlyn and I hard. This week and the sadness of celebrating a milestone birthday without Darren has been incredibly emotional. Like I often do when I'm faced with these "firsts" and unbearable times, I try to step back, look up and trust in God. It may seem trite, but He continues to teach me lessons, especially when I'm faced with new challenges. I'm not going to pretend these lessons came easily this time. I've had to stop and look a little deeper and ask what I am supposed to learn through this? I share these lessons with you, so that you too can face whatever you may be going through and be able to still try to learn in those hard times. I also share from my heart about parenting, not to make you feel sorry for me and how hard it is to be a "solo" parent, but instead to give you a new perspective on parenting your kiddos and being grateful for who they are, no matter what the circumstances. 1. I'm learning most importantly that Kaitlyn has already been molded so much by who Darren and I have been as parents to her. She already has a great foundation. She has the influence of her Daddy and she will carry that with her through the rest of her life, even though she doesn't have the opportunity of having him walk beside her. You do make an impact on your kiddos. You may not see it when they are toddlers, but as you see them grow, you realize that they are turning into little people and you can and will impact them. Darren only had a short time with Kaitlyn, but his influence will last a lifetime. 2. I'm also learning that my child teaches me something new everyday and allows me to have a different, fresh perspective. There is a passage in the Bible about Jesus speaking about having the faith of a "humble" child. I really want to live my faith with a child like perspective. Kaitlyn stops and "smells the roses." She enjoys and embraces the little things and she doesn't get bogged down by being in a hurry or what she has to do next. She doesn't worry about money, the future or any of those things that God tells us not to worry about. The other day, we were talking about someone who was sick and how we needed to make sure to pray for them later. My sweet girl, said "mom, shouldn't we stop and pray now?" Talk about being convicted and needing to have her type of faith. I want to be that way and live with child like faith! 3. I am also learning that we need to allow other people around us to feed into our children lives and give them different things that we may not be able to offer. I've always thought I knew what was best for Kaitlyn. After all, God gave Kaitlyn to Darren and I, so we were responsible and we shouldn't need to have too many other influences besides us. However, it has become even more apparent since Darren died, that Kaitlyn needs other people in her life and we are blessed with some of the best. From my rockstar parents, siblings and family, to my stellar and supportive friends, Kaitlyn has so many people that love her and want her to succeed. I'm learning that it truly does "take a village" and I think as a society our kiddos could learn so much more by us allowing other amazing, godly people to influence them, surround them, show up for them, spend time with them, pray for them and be a light in their lives. Parenting is truly one of the hardest jobs and we can't go at it alone. No one will replace Darren in Kaitlyn's life, but I'm glad she has so many people that care about her and love her and that will be there for her for years to come. Yes, this week is hard and so incredibly overwhelming. Yes, I've cried myself to sleep missing Darren and wanting him here to celebrate Kaitlyn and the amazing teenager she is becoming. However through it all, I can learn, grow and find hope. Nothing will change my circumstances, but looking at things a bit differently does help me find peace, hope and ultimately faith through it all! Wow, I'm the mother of a teenager and I am so blessed to have the opportunity to call her my child. Happy Birthday, Kaitlyn Grace Currin, you are such a blessing to me and I couldn't be prouder of you, my beautiful girl ! Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. Matthew 18:2-4 NLT
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A family selfie, in San Antonio, while we enjoy the beauty of the River Walk. Going to the cemetery has become a regular part of my life. It is a hard thing, but it unfortunately is a "normal" thing for me. Most of the time, I feel the heaviness and sadness of being at the cemetery where my husband is buried, but I handle it. I try not to think too much about what the cemetery represents or means, but instead I talk to Darren, I pray and I contemplate my life and future. Saturday, I made my normal trip to the cemetery. I expected my regular, difficult, but manageable trip, however it was terrible and extremely emotional. I sat in my car screaming, crying and questioning. I yelled at God, Darren and the world that I now live in without him. The loss of Darren hit me full force as I sat there and I ugly cried. The type of cry that makes snot run down your face and makes you look like a crazy person. It was a very difficult and obviously emotional moment, however as I left the cemetery, I realized that my ugly cry was truly a beautiful moment. How is that possible? No my pain is not graceful and it definitely isn't fun or something I would wish on anyone, but it can be beautiful. You see in those terrible, ugly cry moments of my life, I can still find beauty. I can still find beauty in my daughter and the blessing that she is. I can still find beauty in the memories that I have with Darren. I can still find beauty in the truth that God isn't done with me yet. I can still find beauty in the strength of a relationship with God that goes far deeper than anything I could ever imagine. I can still find beauty in the creation of this world and I can still find beauty in the truth that I will be reunited with Darren someday, for eternity. As we attended Ash Wednesday service at church, this evening, our youth pastor spoke about the significance of the ash and how from ash or dust we are born and how to dust we will return. This made me think even more about the beauty that come from our pain, from the dust that we started as and from the ugly cry and painful moments in our life. Maybe you need an ugly cry. Maybe our broken world needs to do some ugly crying. We tend to be so afraid of emotion and pain as a society that we hold it in and keep it together. Brokenness and tears can be something beautiful. When we admit that we are hurting and allow ourselves to process through things, it can be some of the best therapy ever. Sometimes we simply need to stop, have a good, old-fashioned ugly cry, let out our feelings and then move forward with a different perspective, looking around and finding the beauty in our lives. My life is full of lots of pain and sadness these days, but I'm going to choose to let my ugly cry moments be turned into something beautiful. We sang the song “Beautiful Things” to close out the service tonight. If you haven’t heard it, please go listen to it (I’ve attached a link to a YouTube video below). It talks about God making beauty and creating a new person out of the ashes and pain in our life. That is the perspective I want to have and I hope that you can have it along with me. God can turn the hardships and sadness in our life into something beautiful. The ugly cry and pain may not change your situation, but it may change your perspective. So, let out some ugly crying, face the pain and learn that there is beauty all around you and in you and that God is making something beautiful from the pain and the hardships you are facing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIroFNU1Y-Y To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory. Isaiah 61:3 |
Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
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