One of those days where we found joy and lived. When you find yourself in this widowhood journey, you often feel like you must hold onto everything. Every picture, every memory, every thought that revolves around your person. It was one of the first things I feared and expressed to my mom after Darren died. Would I forget the way his voice sounded? Would Kaitlyn forget how he was as a dad? Would we remember how he laughed? Would our family and friends continue to carry him on in their memories and hearts? This need to hold onto everything felt overwhelming and for quite a while I struggled to know how to handle it. Once I started writing, I discovered that I could share about Darren, honor his memory, share about this journey and allow Kaitlyn to read some of my stories about her dad. As I’ve entered a new part of this grief journey, I find myself going back to these fears of holding on and not being sure I have done enough to carry on Darren’s legacy. I worry about how to make sure Kaitlyn knows that her dad is always part of her, me and our future. You see, we have truly started to live again. Yes, we have lots of days with tears and sadness about how hard this life is without Darren and how much we truly miss him, but we also have fun days. We have days with laughter, silliness and believe it or not joy. We have found ways to find joy. This joy is a two-edged sword because you often feel guilty, you feel like you are not holding tightly enough to that person you lost. You aren’t doing enough. You are not making their memory enough of a priority and then you feel the sadness invade your life again. The sadness that Kaitlyn will not ever have her dad dance with her at her wedding. She will not have him there when she graduates from high school or college. All those moments that keep me awake at night. I feel caught between holding onto the past and all that it means, all that Darren means, all our memories and stepping forward into the next stages of our life. There is a song by Keane about everyone changing and not being sure if you are ready. Well, I’m changing. Kaitlyn is changing. Our life is changing. We are learning new things. We are making new friends. We are entering into new relationships. We are becoming stronger. We are embracing new challenges, experiences and joys. Some people may not understand these changes. Some people may want us to hold on tighter to the past, however I feel God simply whisper to me when it all becomes too much, “you can live your new life and still honor Darren’s legacy. You can find joy again, you can move forward and that is okay.” My God is with me as we move into these new stages of our journey. I do not want to be held down by my fears. I don’t want to be worried about what others may think, feel or believe is right for me or Kaitlyn. We will continue to do our part in carrying Darren in our hearts, in how we live our lives and how we love others, however I also believe that Darren would want us to laugh again, find joy again and not be afraid to move into a life free of fear. I hope you can learn this delicate balance with me. You may not be worried about holding onto your memories of someone, but instead you may see your life, circumstances or situation changing. You may know that you are supposed to move forward into all God wants for you, but you are not quite ready to step into that freedom. You don’t know what is ahead and it is hard, but you do know that God is calling you to become all He wants you to be. You do not answer to anyone but Him and you can have freedom as He leads you. Find joy, follow your heart, remember where you came from, who helped make you be all that you are, but don’t be afraid to step forward. You never know where that next step will take you!
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Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
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