I've always been fairly independent and willing to take on most obstacles put in my way. I've skied, snorkeled, ridden roller coasters, parasailed and traveled. I guess I always looked at myself as fairly adventurous. I'm quickly discovering that I have much more fear than courage, most days on this lonely journey. I will admit I've always been a worrier. When I was younger, I worried so much about sleeping alone in my bedroom, that I would crawl down the hallway and sleep on the floor of my parent's room. I've spent many a restless night, awake worrying about finances, my future, my family, my child or some other ridiculous fear (this was long before Darren died and my worst nightmare happened). All this to say, as I look at my life, have I really lived it fearlessly and trusting that my God is in control? Or have a I lived a life of fear, only taking the comfortable well known path that leads me exactly where I thought I wanted to go? I recently started a devotional study on being fearless. I have been battling some stupid overwhelming doubts that left me near a breaking point a couple of weeks ago and I saw that I needed to work on myself from the inside out. Most importantly, I needed to let God take over and take control and help me to overcome my fears. This grief journey is hard enough without worrying about ridiculous things and never sleeping. I would love to report that doing this devotional sent me down a peaceful and fearless path, but quite honestly I've been put through the fire when it comes to fears since starting it. All the things that I've been worried about, afraid of, focused on and that have paralyzed me, seem to be hitting at once. I'm sleeping less and being afraid more. From the fears about whether I'm doing the right thing homeschooling Kaitlyn, to financial fears now that I'm not working full-time, to the fears of being alone the rest of my life. It has felt like, in many ways, I've moved backwards and let fear and worry control me more, instead of letting God be in control. The devotional that I've been reading, shares the story of God calming the water when the disciples became afraid. When I've read this Biblical story in the past, I've only thought about how God is there for us during the storms. Yes, this is a very important message, one that I needed to be reminded of often on this journey, but this time I looked at these verses differently. Remember the part about Peter walking on the water and becoming afraid and how he started to sink when he was afraid? Well, I always thought, how stupid that he could see Jesus right in front of him and yet he still didn't believe (yes, I judged him :-)). Now, instead of looking at his lack of faith, I've started noticing my lack of faith. I mean I can't see Jesus in the flesh in front of me, but I do not have a doubt that He is with me each and every moment. He has quite literally carried me every moment of everyday, especially since May 3, 2016. So, if I know He his with me, carrying me and that I can quite literally walk on water, if I trust in Him, why do I live my life in fear? Why do I worry about my finances, my future, Kaitlyn's future, what His plan is for me etc.? Why do I let those things keep me up at night? I could simply say I don't have enough faith, but I truly believe that if we believe God is in control of our life and our future, we would live a fearless life. This does not mean that we purposely put ourselves in harm's way, simply believing God will rescue us. It does however mean that we live our lives knowing that the God who can calm the waters, has control over our entire universe, knows the number of hairs on our head and knows our most intimate thoughts, ultimately knows that we are going to be taken care of and have nothing to be afraid of. I know that my future holds many uncertainties. I know that I will have to make some hard decisions. I know that I will have to face some stormy waters, but if I live a life letting God control those waters, knowing that He is bigger than anything I face, I can be fearless. How would that look for you? Can you imagine not worrying, but trusting? Can you imagine knowing and living a life with God directing you and not fearing what the future holds? I want to live a fearless life. I want to live a life full of hope, love and faith with my eyes firmly focused on a God who is bigger than anything I can or will face, I hope you will choose faith over fear and take that fearless journey with me. Matthew 14:29-33: “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshipped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
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Darren and Batman at the wax museum Darren always loved a good movie, show, series, comic book or band. He was the king of pop culture trivia. When you wanted to know the year a movie came out in or the date a band became popular, he knew it. He would even correct shows we watched when they gave the wrong date for something. He was a walking fact checker and even though it sometimes drove me crazy, I mostly loved it :-). He was constantly keeping me up-to-date on the best music or some show that I just had to watch. Most days, since he died, I find myself wanting to ask him a question about who sings a certain song that I heard playing or ask for a recommendation of a new show to start and I'm stuck trying to figure out who to ask or what to watch. (Fortunately, Kaitlyn is a LOT like Darren and she has already begun to absorb all kinds of pop culture knowledge, so he lives on in her). One of the shows that Darren and I enjoyed watching together was the British series, "Sherlock." It just has a way of capturing your imagination and hooking you into the story. It recently came back on and I struggled to sit down and watch this show without Darren. Like so many things, it made me want to have him beside me, sharing it with me and I missed seeing our shows through his eyes. The eyes that saw things with a childlike wonder. The eyes that searched for the deeper meaning and didn't miss anything. I finally convinced myself to watch the new episodes (heads up, I'm about the spoil what happens this season). At the end of the first episode, Dr. Watson's wife is killed saving Sherlock. It obviously was emotional for me, especially during the second episode when they are faced with the loss and how it affects everyone who is missing her. I tell you all of this, because the end of the second episode is profound and I haven't been able to forget what is said. Dr. Watson admits that he was not always the best husband to his wife and did some things at the end of her life, that he deeply regrets. He then says, "I want to be the man that she always thought I was." Wow!! What words to live by. We all have messed up our relationships and done things that we shouldn't, but most of us have people in our life who look far beyond all of those mistakes and see who we truly are and can be. For me, that was person was Darren. He knew me better than anyone and he loved me just the same. He saw my good days, my bad days, my REALLY bad days, my temper, my judgements, my bad parenting moments, my impatience and yet he loved me anyway. He always thought I was amazing even though he had seen it all. He is still believing in me and I am left to remember that I want to be who he thought I was. I may be a mess, most days, but I am also blessed to be a person called to a greater purpose. I have recently entered a new phase of my grief journey. It's the one where reality sets in. Everything, quite frankly, is harder and I yearn to have Darren by my side so much. For so long, I've made decisions with him and whether we agreed 100% or not about something, we still made the decisions together. Now, I'm left to make the hard, terrible, difficult decisions without him and I'm left questioning everything. I have searched to hear his voice in each decision and recently I'm and learning that I can be everything he already thought I was. He always believed in me and my abilities more than I believed in myself. He always knew I could make it, get through tough things and become more than I ever dreamed. Instead of just searching for what decision he would want me to make, I'm working to become all he already knew I was. I'm determined to truly be the best mom, daughter, sister, friend and person I can be. I don't need to have him tell me what to do because he knows I can do it and I will become all he already knew I was. What about those of you who are reading this and saying, "I've never had that person?" Or you may be saying "no one thinks I'm that great." I have one thing to say to you, there is someone who believes in you and thinks you are pretty amazing. Someone who loves you, even when you lose your temper, say things you shouldn't or aren't very kind to those around you. As cliché as it may sound, this person is God. He believes in you, loves you unconditionally and has called you to a greater purpose. I want you to believe that and trust that He will help you to become all the things that He already knew you were and that He created you to be. I too am blessed to have a God who believes in something greater for me. He isn't done with me yet and I want to be all He (and Darren) already knew I was. |
Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
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