Hebrews 11:1 Living Bible (TLB)
What is faith? It is the confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. It is the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us, even though we cannot see it up ahead. I grew up surrounded by faith. My dad became a Christ follower late in High School, moved to a college across the country and eventually gave up a high paying job to pursue his calling into ministry. My mom supported his calling and lived by faith in her role. I saw their faith in action each time we moved to a different church (one move was from Florida to Washington) and I believed them when they said God had called them and that we must obey. I can look back at my family and our life while I was growing up and see faith interwoven throughout the years. From the times God showed up financially just when we needed it, to God's protection from certain things happening, to his peace in the middle of tough times. I can look at my developmental years and see God's faithfulness in action. I really didn't doubt through all those years that God was faithful or present or that He had the best intentions for me. My faith wasn't simply the faith of my parents, it was personal. However, I never completely bought into Him and completely trusted and had faith in Him until VERY recently. You see, throughout all of these foundational years, though we faced hardships, I never really faced difficult times that didn't seem manageable. I could rely on God, but still figure things out myself. That's what happens when you are a control freak. You trust in God slightly. You believe in Him mostly, but you are still trying to pull the strings. You do things in your own timing and when things don't work out right you beat yourself up because you are ultimately in control, right? Before Darren's death, I had dealt with health issues, infertility, job losses, financial hardships, but each time even though God showed up, I somehow thought it was me working things out. I pulled myself up by my "shoestrings" and kept going. My strength, my hard work, my focus moved me ahead. I hate to admit all of this, but that's really how I felt. I loved God, believed in Him and WANTED to trust Him and have faith He was in control, but I could not completely jump. I sat at my life group this week discussing with these incredibly ladies that God just recently brought into my life, my story. As I talked about Darren's death, I said to these new friends that I lived the first almost 38 years of my life trying to control things. I described it like a puzzle. You see I was constantly working, striving and fixing things. I was putting the pieces together and relying on my strength to make things right. I did this even after Darren died. I thought I could figure it out. Yes, God was there, but I was the one putting things back together. I was keeping the finances going, taking care of Kaitlyn, selling and buying a new home, starting a business and doing it on my own. However, the pieces just wouldn't fit. I tried to fit the corner pieces in the middle and the middle pieces on the edge and NOTHING was working. One day, God broke me and my puzzle broke into a million pieces and nothing I could do, move, say or strive for was going to put it back together. Why? Because I'm not the one that is supposed to fit it all together, God is. He is in control and when you have faith in Him, he works to put all the millions of pieces of a shattered life back together. He makes the most beautiful picture out of all of those broken pieces. His picture is beyond anything I could have planned, worked towards, or created. So, this takes me back to the title of this blog. Why, jumping off? You see, I lived 38 years of my life standing on the edge of the cliff of faith. Many times, I got close. I peered down over the edge and thought, "should I jump?" "Can I really trust God when I can't see what is at the bottom?" "Will He really come through for me?" In those times, I decided to not take that final step of faith and trust that He had a plan and that He would catch me at the bottom. I chose to keep controlling things, holding onto things of this world over the things God had planned for me and sadly I missed the exhilaration of that jump and the peace that comes when you COMPLETELY trust and have faith in our creator. I still have to make a conscious decision to have faith in Him each day, but let me tell you that jumping off that cliff into the arms of our amazing God is far greater than anything this world has to offer! Take the jump with me and choose God and HIS plan for you. I can tell you, it is beyond anything I ever hoped or imagined. God truly loves you and wants the best for you and me!
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Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
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