Do you ever feel like you are being hit over the head with something and you are too stubborn to see or acknowledge it? If you are anything like me, I'm sure you do. Today I was confronted with some things that God was DEFINITELY showing me that He wanted me to share. This may be the hardest blog I've written because I'm going to be a 100% honest. No sugar coating. No putting on a brave face, just 100% real me. Here it goes and I hope God will help others who often struggle, like I do, to be authentically who we are.
The honest truth is I've lived much of my life as a hypocrite. I've pretended to be okay when I'm not. I've pretended to be holy and following God's ways when I haven't. I've pretended to be strong, content and happy when inside I was as weak as they come, discontent in every way and incredibly unhappy. I would love to say this has only been something that has only happened through the grief or trauma that I've faced the last couple of years, but it's something I've struggled with for years and years. The need to pretend to be okay and often times being something I'm not. Today, two things happened. Two God-sized things that made me share. The first is a song we sang at church, it's called Miracles. Like I often do, music inspires me and makes me think. The song is about the God of miracles who can work miracles in our lives. (I've posted a link below for you to check it out, warning it is a powerful song). As I sang and worshipped today, I realized all the miracles God has worked in my life. I could stay here and list them for hours, however I want to just hit a few. God miraculously brought Kaitlyn and I from tragedy to now feeling blessed in so many ways and having a bright future ahead of us. He provided. He carried us when we couldn't walk. He brought us through financial issues. He helped us through so many ups and downs. He led me to start a business. The biggest miracle He did was to change me, convict me about some major things in my life that were sinful and bring me to a MUCH different place. This was not done by my own strength or by my own power, but simply by confessing to Him, acknowledging that I had messed up and that things must change. He helped me recognize I was very unhappy and unfulfilled without Him being #1 in my life. I made poor decisions. I chose the loves of this world over the love of a God that is bigger and greater than ANYTHING this world has to offer. God has set me on a new path. Living a life that I hope honors Him. He has shown up again and again in ways both big and small to let me know He loves me and wants the best for my life. You may say these aren't miracles, but I would disagree, there is NO way I would be where I am today without His miracles in my life. The second God-sized thing was the message our pastor preached. It was about being a hypocrite (remember how I said earlier this is something I’ve always struggled with?). I won’t be able to be able to explain it in the way that he said, but let’s just say it impacted me. After all the miracles in my life, I realized that I still struggle to be authentically who I am. You see, I want to appear like I have it all together. I mean after all, I’ve faced tragedy and somehow I have survived it. This is where the God part comes in. He doesn’t want me to pretend to be okay. Pretend to be perfect or pretend to have it all together, that is being a hypocrite and that does not point anyone to Him or His power in my life. The only reason I have survived is because of a God that loves me and cares about me and every detail of my life. He wants me to be all HE has created me to be, not some “perfect” person who tries to act like I have it all together. One of the many powerful statements that our pastor said today that stood out to me is that you are only as strong as you are honest. I believed that I was strong, but I haven’t been completely honest about how hard things have been, how much I’ve struggled or how much I’ve disappointed the heart of the very God who created me. I want to live an authentic life. I’m so blessed that God has worked miracles in my life. I would not be where I am today without Him. I am not strong without Him. Every blessing in my life is because of Him. Someday, I will stand before Him and have my sins, my failures and my faults shown to everyone, the authentic, sinful version of me. However, by God’s grace, I also have the hope and miracle of eternal life to look forward to. I want Him to be proud of me, not the perfect me, but the authentic me, who showed my faults and failures to those around me, so that I could be stronger through and only through Him, that is truly a miracle. www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOslAAUcKcc
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Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
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