Our family on our trip to Washington D.C. Traveling has always been a core value and one of our passions that I don't apologize for. I've always apologized for everything. From a very young age, I picked this up and in college my friends joked with me about my obsessive need to apologize. Darren also used to tease me about it because I would apologize for things that were obviously not my fault. He always told me to stop apologizing and feeling like I had to make everyone else happy all the time. He wanted me to speak up and be myself and let go of the need to please. We even argued over this many times because he saw how hard it was for me to try and make everyone around me happy. I think that is where a lot of my apologizing comes from, the need to please. Actually, I know that it where it comes from, it is my desire to make everyone else happy. I'm a self-diagnosed people pleaser. Let me let you in on a secret, grief and people pleasing do not play well together! From the moment Darren died, I knew that these two worlds would not get along. I was obviously in shock after losing Darren so suddenly. When you are are in shock, you do not always say what you mean or know how to answer the questions that are asked of you. You often come across as short and even unkind. Yes, even through shock, I still felt the need to apologize. I apologized for not knowing the answers to questions, however, these were not questions I was prepared to answer. Where do I bury my husband? Do I have an open casket? What do I bury him in? Do I stay in my house? Do I let people help me with things that I only ever let Darren do? All of these were questions, that at 36 years old, I was not prepared to answer. I found myself continually apologizing and feeling bad for feeling so bad. I have often played the role of caretaker and fixer. I tried to help others and give to others. No, I was not perfect at this, but in most of my relationships, friendships and even in my family that was the role I played. I could no longer be that person and it wrecked me. It made me question who I was and what my new role would be. Would people still like this Amy? Was I only going to be good to others if I was the one fixing and taking care of things? I also struggled with losing the person who I felt was the best of me, so I apologized for not being as “good” of a person without Darren. I was also entering a new role as a single mom, the solo parent for Kaitlyn. This required energy in a way that I never expected. My child was and is going through such a hard time accepting, mourning and figuring out our new life without Darren. I was constantly worrying if I was doing the right things for her and I had to make some extremely hard decisions without Darren here to talk and walk that journey with me. All of these things, expectations, new experiences, fears and my new “normal” were hard to reconcile with the people pleaser I normally was. As, I’ve walked this journey over the last 11+ months, my need to please and apologize has started to change and hopefully grow me into another person. I cannot be the person I was before. I cannot take care of everyone else’s issues and problems, when I must most importantly take care of Kaitlyn and myself and slowly learn how to be all God is calling me to do in this new world of mine. I still struggle most days and I’m still learning to be this “new” person. I hope this person is a better person, a stronger person and a person that is more content with who God created me to be. I have struggled so many days to meet other people’s expectations. I’ve struggled with whether I’m doing the right things or not. I have worried what people think of me and my journey, I’ve wondered if I’m doing this right and I’ve changed. I’m definitely not where I want to be, but I’m slowly learning to stop apologizing. What does this mean to you and why am I sharing this? Well, I’ve looked around at others in similar situations to me. Many of the widow groups I am part of, include people asking questions about whether they should or shouldn’t be doing this or that. Whether there is a time frame for certain situations, feelings and changes. Time and time again, I see people worried about what others think of them. I wish I could resoundingly tell them to stop apologizing and allow themselves to become the best version of who God created them to be. I also see this in the world around us. From our selfie, Snapchat filter society to our kids that do things to make others happy. From the way we dress to the way we live our lives, we are so often focused on making others happy and we apologize for not being all that we are “supposed” to be. Why do you think that people go into debt? It is not because they need those things, it is because they want to put up a certain persona about who they are. Why do you think people change themselves through expensive surgeries, makeup or clothes? It is because they want to look the “right” way and please those around them. We have become such a people pleasing, wrong priority focused world. I would love for us all to stop apologizing. Stop trying to be something we are not. Stop caring about the wrong things and instead start caring about the right things. I’m not asking you to give-up or quit caring about others, instead I’m asking you to start caring about others in the right way. God has created you unique and who you are for a reason, you do not need to apologize for who you are. You need to instead be all you are created to be. If God has given you certain passions, joys and drives in your life, you answer only to Him, so follow those. Be who you are. Follow the heart God has given you and stop apologizing and living your life for others. I love this verse below. It speaks about spiritual gifts. If you don’t know what this means, it basically refers to the unique gifts God has given each of us, that help Him and show His love to this world. I love that this verse talks about doing everything for God’s glory. No, we don’t need to please people, but we do need to use our God-given gifts to love others without apologizing for those unique ways that He made us. I need to continue to learn this and follow on this road, will you take this journey with me? Become uniquely who God created you to be. Don’t apologize for things beyond your control. Love others with God’s love, but don’t worry about what they think of you. I think we will be much more content and our world will be a much better place, if we stop apologizing for who we are uniquely created to be. 1 Peter 4:10-11 NLT “God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever!”
2 Comments
Easter, 2016 As April 3rd dawns, I'm faced with a new reality in this journey: it has almost been a year since Darren passed away. Every month, I think how has another month passed without him by my side? This one seems even more telling and trying. I will be rounding that corner of a year, knowing I have faced all those "firsts" one time through. Kaitlyn and I have almost lived an entire year without Darren by our side. You would think it would be easier. You would think the things that you have already faced without him would become normal and ordinary, but they don't. I've been talking to a lot of my friends who lost spouses more than a year ago and many of them say the second year is even harder, different, but harder. I’m not sure how I will face these “seconds” and sometimes that thought alone is so overwhelming. I’m trying to live each day as it comes, so instead of focusing on how hard this second year may be, I’m going to try to once again look at things from a different perspective. I’ve been thinking a lot about how this time last year, Darren was facing the last month of his life. To many, this may seem morbid or negative, but I want to give it a positive spin for a moment and help you think about how you and I can choose to live life while we are here in this world. You see, Darren did not know that April of 2016 would be the last month of his life. He hadn’t been sick, he hadn’t been diagnosed with heart issues. He was a seemingly healthy 42 year old facing the regular, mundane tasks and life that we face each morning when we roll out of bed. He worked hard at his job, he supported Kaitlyn and I by being an amazing father and husband. He was a son, a son-in-law, an uncle, a cousin, and a friend. However, he had no indication that April would be his last month on this earth, living his life. Kaitlyn and I have discussed what we would have done if we had known that we only had such a short-time left with Darren. We both have agreed that there would have been so much sadness associated with that knowledge and therefore we would not want to have that awareness. Yes, there are things we may have done a bit differently, but we are choosing to live with no regrets. Please, don’t let me lose you here. I want to bring it back to how Darren lived his last month. No, he wasn’t perfect, no he didn’t know he would die soon, but yes, he did live his last month deliberately. You see Darren chose to live his life focused on giving to others around him. On the very last day of his life, he skipped a lunch trip to the gym to head back to the office and help one of the brokers on a big deal. He always chose to focus on what he could do for the people around him. Yes, he had his selfish moments. Yes, he made mistakes, but I can truly say he was one of the most generous and selfless people. He gave when no one knew. He helped anyone, no matter whether they would do something for him. That last month of his life, he served, he helped and he loved. I’m not trying to make Darren sound like a saint, but I want you to see the point I’m trying to make here, would he have changed the last month of his life? I can’t answer that question for him, but I would say, probably not. He spent the majority of his time focusing on others that last month. He took Kaitlyn to shows, movies and experienced life with her. He chaperoned prom with me and took me on a date afterwards that I will always remember as being one of our best dates with the best conversation and laughter. He went with my dad to a Christian concert and spent quality time with him. He enjoyed Easter and family time with our entire family. He played games with our best friends. He worked hard at work. He served at church and he loved people with God’s love. Would he change anything in that last month? I don’t know, but I do know that I am blessed with a great deal of precious memories in that last month of his life. This brings me to my life and to the point I want to drive home for each of us that are still here and living our lives on this earth. As we were in church this morning, our pastor spoke about being witnesses to our entire world and loving our neighbors, our city and our world. I thought about that last month of Darren’s life and the blessing it was to know that he lived that witness in everything he did. Am I living my witness in everything I do? Are you? If you knew that this was the last month that you had on this earth, what, if anything, would you do differently? I’m not necessarily referring to those crazy things that you have always put off (maybe you do need to do a few of those, though!) Instead, I’m asking for you to look at the bigger purpose you have in your life. You may struggle to be able to identify that purpose because it doesn’t seem big or important, but you are important. You are important to those around you, from your kiddos to your spouse, to your family, to you work colleagues, to the entire world. Don’t lose sight of that, in the mundane, everyday life we lead. You do make a difference and you do have a purpose. What would you change if you knew that this was your last month to live? What would you want to remembered for? Are there things you have been putting off that you need to do now? Do you need to increase the witness that you have on the world around you? Do you need to love more and worry less? Please, take my lead as I work to live my life, knowing that we aren’t promised tomorrow. I want to worry less about what the future hold while loving everyone, loving God and living each day and month as if it could be my last. I will close with a scripture that I memorized as a young child and that I often have to remind myself of. Please take it to heart and may we live our lives in this way. Matthew 6:34 “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." |
Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
Categories |