My favorite role is being a mom. I always viewed my priority list as God #1, Darren #2 and Kaitlyn #3, when Darren died, Kaitlyn and being a mom, became even more important to me.
Kaitlyn is such an incredible and special child. She is compassionate, tender-hearted, loving, generous, an amazing friend and seriously the best kid a mom could ask for. She was a miracle child who shouldn't have been born healthy. Darren and I had all kinds of physical reasons that should have kept us from having kids and during fertility treatments to try and conceive a second child, we were told that we were one of those "one in a million chance" couples and the doctors were shocked that we had Kaitlyn. Not only is it a miracle that she was ever conceived, she also had a major intrauterine birth defect. We were told that it was an indicator of all kinds of issues and my ob/gyn painted us a very grim picture. After seeing a specialist, we were told that it was highly unlikely she would be born healthy and whole. She might not survive and if she did she would likely face an uphill battle. We had testing done, ultrasound after ultrasound done and told everyone we knew to pray for a miracle. I still remember the day we went into have my weekly ultrasound done and her brain was perfect and ALL signs of the birth defect were gone. The doctors told us that it sometimes happened and was a fluke thing, but Darren and I both knew it was a miracle and we praised our amazing God. Two and a half months later, we held our miracle, "Kaitlyn Grace Currin" for the very first time and we were amazed at how perfectly formed she was. I always believed that the pregnancy with Kaitlyn made her an extra special kiddo and everyday of her life I've been reminded that this is true. No, she isn't perfect, but man-oh-man, she is pretty amazing and I couldn't be prouder of her. Kaitlyn and Darren were so close. They were much closer than most dads and daughters. They played superheroes and Care Bears. They went to movies, they shared a love of all things geeky, they enjoyed traveling, shows, music, swimming, riding roller coasters and being silly together. When Darren died, the first thing she said about Darren was that he was the best dad in the world and she whole-heartedly believes that to be true. Kaitlyn and I constantly say that they fit more memories into the 12 years they had together than most daddy-daughter combos do in a lifetime. After Darren died, Kaitlyn mourned, cried, screamed and grieved, however my amazing girl was strong. She honestly was stronger than me. Yes, she had bad days, but most of the times she worried about me and comforted me in my sadness. She started attending counseling and did things that helped her, but she stayed strong. After school started again, I begun to see a new, sadder, darker child emerging and it was a terrible and scary realization. We struggled to get through each day and I watched her lose a little more of herself each day. Her sadness and grief started to be all I saw. At school, she continued to get good grades, keep it together and put on a happy face, but my little girl was hurting and breaking inside. She was trying to be strong, but the facade was quickly coming apart. This brings me to today and the lesson I'm learning on this terrible, hilly, rocky and tumultuous road called grief. I am having to remember that she is my priority and that what I was doing to help her was not enough. She needed to know it was okay to not be strong, to let down her guard and to make changes towards healing. We can no longer push through, try to be strong and make it. We must face our healing and do whatever it takes to get through this time. Yesterday morning I met with our school and we set-up a new plan for her. To those on the outside it might seem extreme or jumping the gun, but she is my priority, she is my calling and the only person I answer to is God. As scary as it is to make these changes, I know God is guiding and leading me. I have been blessed to be Kaitlyn's mom and through this grief journey, I must follow my heart and constantly trust that God is in control of this miracle child. I would tell any of you struggling to make those hard decisions for yourself, your kiddos, your family or your job, that sometimes you have to make the tough call and do what you feel called to do. God WILL guide, lead and provide! I'll leave you with a scripture from God's word, ask Him for wisdom with what you are facing and trust in the journey. James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. (NIV)
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I wrote this on May 20, 2016, 17 days after Darren died. It is the first "journal" entry I made, so it is a hard and raw one. I'm glad I was able to write down how I was then and what I was faced with, so I can see how far God has brought me in the last 5 months. This was also the first night that Kaitlyn and I stayed in our home after Darren died. I pray that it can encourage you with whatever you may be facing today. God is ALWAYS with you and He will never leave you or forsake you. God Bless!
Love, Amy May 20, 2016 Seventeen days ago my life changed and tilted in a way I could not have ever imagined, even in my worst nightmares. I still feel like I'm living in a TERRIBLE nightmare every second of every day, that I need to wake from. It seems surreal that at 36 years old, when you dream you have the rest of you life left with someone, instead you will not see them on this side of eternity. That evening of May 3rd, will forever be etched, in my mind. Watching the man I spent my life with suddenly fall so sick and without warning pass from this life to eternity. This is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy. The pain is immeasurable. The heartbreak is unbearable and the desire to have him back for even just one moment, never leaves me. To not only experience this pain, personally, but also to watch my only child deal with the loss of her Father, makes my heart split into a million pieces. The one hope I hold onto and believe in, is that I will be reunited with Darren in eternity. It keeps me fighting, give me hope and strengthens me. I'm so grateful to a God that loves me, just the way I am. In all my anger, sadness, jealousy, doubt, fear, worries and grief, He still loves me and cares about me. He gives me strength for each day. He holds me when I fall down. He never gives up on me. Thank you, Jesus. My prayer: Jesus, give me the strength to sleep, in our home, for the first time since Darren's death and not be afraid. To Darren: Thank you for loving me and giving me 17 years of your amazing life. I miss you so much, babe. Enjoy heaven until I get to meet you there. Enjoy Nanny's cooking. I love you and please remind God to comfort Kaitlyn and I in our weakness and sadness. You are missed!!! |
Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
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