Today marks 4,380 hours since I've had Darren by my side. If you are trying to figure it out that is 6 months. I can't believe it has been that long since I've heard his voice, had a conversation with him, held his hand, kissed him, had him tell me he loves me or just had a glimpse of his face. There are moments that make those 6 months seem like 4,380 months, not 4,380 hours and then there are moments that make me think it was just yesterday because it seems impossible that he has been gone 4,380 hours.
In many ways, grief is like a roller coaster. You get to the top and think, "man that was hard, I'm glad I made it this far." Then comes the downhill, where you are falling with nothing to catch you and emotions running like crazy. We once rode "Rock 'n' Roller Coaster " at Disney World and it was inside and in the dark. We talked Kaitlyn into riding it by telling her that it did not go upside down because she was terrified of upside down roller coasters. We honestly didn’t know it went upside down and it was one of those parental fail moments. You couldn't see the turns, hills or loops that were up ahead. You really didn't know what was coming around the next corner, and that is definitely how grief works. It is not a cycle, a set of stages or a map written out for you, it is a dark roller coaster and everyone's ride is different. After 4,380 hours without Darren, I'm truly tired of riding this grief roller coaster. Most days, I brace myself scared of what's to come on the next hill for us and how we will handle it. On Tuesday, I had a particularly frustrating day trying to get things lined up at work (I recently resigned) and for Kaitlyn with her new school schedule. All I wanted to do was call Darren, have him listen to me vent and then give me some of his encouraging, wise words. Instead, I sat in my car and cried to Kaitlyn about how much I missed her Daddy and wanted him more than anything. I do continue to hear his voice, his wisdom and most importantly I try to make him proud, but unfortunately that doesn't take away the grief or allow me to get off this crazy roller coaster. I still have to face each of those hours alone and it is only with God's grace and His strength that I can continue to survive on this crazy ride. I would like to leave you with some encouragement (though I am trying to be honest about how hard this roller coaster is) and with the perspective of someone on the other side of loss. What will you do with the next 4,380 hours? Will you argue more with your kids and spouse; be angry at that crazy driver that cut you off; be resentful of the friend who is selfish; be unkind to the people around you that you don’t particularly like; lose your temper when things don't go your way; wonder why your life isn't better and constantly compare yourself with others OR will you seize each of those hours that you have been blessed with? Will you instead make the choice to tell your spouse, your kiddos, your family and your friends how much you love them, even when they disappoint or frustrate you? Will you make the sometimes unpopular decision to make certain things, like quality time with those you love, a priority or will you spend more time watching a favorite show and telling those around you to give you alone time? Will you go out to coffee or dinner with that friend who is hurting and spend some time feeding positivity and kindness into their life, even when you would rather be watching the aforementioned show? Will you reconcile with the person that hurt you and offer forgiveness even when you were the one wronged? Will you choose joy when life does not go your way, your finances are a mess or your co-workers drive you crazy? Please, hear this and please remember that you truly never know how long you have on this earth. If you are like the me before Darren died, you probably believe that it will never happen to you (I pray with all my heart it doesn't), but PLEASE do not allow this to let you miss a moment or take for granted those you love. Seize each and every moment and hour you have with those you love, enjoy them, forgive them, cherish them, love them and embrace the life that you have been given!
3 Comments
Pat Ryan
11/3/2016 07:15:44 pm
You explain this journey so well, Amy. The highs and lows will even out in time, but you will always have Darren with you and that's a good thing. Stay close to friends and family who will encourage you to talk about him. Your Uncle Wayne still talks about Elda with much love and I also remember Harry with love. We grow richer with each love in our life. Blessings to you and Kaitlyn.
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Allyson
11/4/2016 06:57:53 pm
Amy, I am on the same journey that you are on. My Lonnie has been gone for 3 months today and I miss him every moment of every day. I always try to focus on our time together and how fortunate we were to have found each other late in life. I know he would not want me to be sad, but that is easier said than done. I appreciate reading your comments about your journey and pray that you and Kaitlyn will find peace in the days to come. With Love, Allyson
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Amy Currin
11/4/2016 09:03:38 pm
Allyson,
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