I've always been fairly independent and willing to take on most obstacles put in my way. I've skied, snorkeled, ridden roller coasters, parasailed and traveled. I guess I always looked at myself as fairly adventurous. I'm quickly discovering that I have much more fear than courage, most days on this lonely journey. I will admit I've always been a worrier. When I was younger, I worried so much about sleeping alone in my bedroom, that I would crawl down the hallway and sleep on the floor of my parent's room. I've spent many a restless night, awake worrying about finances, my future, my family, my child or some other ridiculous fear (this was long before Darren died and my worst nightmare happened). All this to say, as I look at my life, have I really lived it fearlessly and trusting that my God is in control? Or have a I lived a life of fear, only taking the comfortable well known path that leads me exactly where I thought I wanted to go? I recently started a devotional study on being fearless. I have been battling some stupid overwhelming doubts that left me near a breaking point a couple of weeks ago and I saw that I needed to work on myself from the inside out. Most importantly, I needed to let God take over and take control and help me to overcome my fears. This grief journey is hard enough without worrying about ridiculous things and never sleeping. I would love to report that doing this devotional sent me down a peaceful and fearless path, but quite honestly I've been put through the fire when it comes to fears since starting it. All the things that I've been worried about, afraid of, focused on and that have paralyzed me, seem to be hitting at once. I'm sleeping less and being afraid more. From the fears about whether I'm doing the right thing homeschooling Kaitlyn, to financial fears now that I'm not working full-time, to the fears of being alone the rest of my life. It has felt like, in many ways, I've moved backwards and let fear and worry control me more, instead of letting God be in control. The devotional that I've been reading, shares the story of God calming the water when the disciples became afraid. When I've read this Biblical story in the past, I've only thought about how God is there for us during the storms. Yes, this is a very important message, one that I needed to be reminded of often on this journey, but this time I looked at these verses differently. Remember the part about Peter walking on the water and becoming afraid and how he started to sink when he was afraid? Well, I always thought, how stupid that he could see Jesus right in front of him and yet he still didn't believe (yes, I judged him :-)). Now, instead of looking at his lack of faith, I've started noticing my lack of faith. I mean I can't see Jesus in the flesh in front of me, but I do not have a doubt that He is with me each and every moment. He has quite literally carried me every moment of everyday, especially since May 3, 2016. So, if I know He his with me, carrying me and that I can quite literally walk on water, if I trust in Him, why do I live my life in fear? Why do I worry about my finances, my future, Kaitlyn's future, what His plan is for me etc.? Why do I let those things keep me up at night? I could simply say I don't have enough faith, but I truly believe that if we believe God is in control of our life and our future, we would live a fearless life. This does not mean that we purposely put ourselves in harm's way, simply believing God will rescue us. It does however mean that we live our lives knowing that the God who can calm the waters, has control over our entire universe, knows the number of hairs on our head and knows our most intimate thoughts, ultimately knows that we are going to be taken care of and have nothing to be afraid of. I know that my future holds many uncertainties. I know that I will have to make some hard decisions. I know that I will have to face some stormy waters, but if I live a life letting God control those waters, knowing that He is bigger than anything I face, I can be fearless. How would that look for you? Can you imagine not worrying, but trusting? Can you imagine knowing and living a life with God directing you and not fearing what the future holds? I want to live a fearless life. I want to live a life full of hope, love and faith with my eyes firmly focused on a God who is bigger than anything I can or will face, I hope you will choose faith over fear and take that fearless journey with me. Matthew 14:29-33: “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshipped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
2 Comments
Cathy Pennington
1/25/2017 06:17:27 pm
Amy, I so needed to ready this tonight. I am scheduled for surgery on my Achilles' tendon next Wednesday and today found out they may have to rescheduled because of some medical issues that popped up at a pe-op appt. my first reaction was fear and anxiety because my foot really hurts. God has shown through today that He is in control and is looking out for me. Your post just reaffirmed that. Thank you for your faithfulness to post your heart and God's love for each of us.
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Amy Currin
1/25/2017 06:19:55 pm
Thank you for sharing. I'm glad that this was an encouragement to you. I'll be praying for you to have peace and know that God is ultimately in control!
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Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
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