A family selfie, in San Antonio, while we enjoy the beauty of the River Walk. Going to the cemetery has become a regular part of my life. It is a hard thing, but it unfortunately is a "normal" thing for me. Most of the time, I feel the heaviness and sadness of being at the cemetery where my husband is buried, but I handle it. I try not to think too much about what the cemetery represents or means, but instead I talk to Darren, I pray and I contemplate my life and future. Saturday, I made my normal trip to the cemetery. I expected my regular, difficult, but manageable trip, however it was terrible and extremely emotional. I sat in my car screaming, crying and questioning. I yelled at God, Darren and the world that I now live in without him. The loss of Darren hit me full force as I sat there and I ugly cried. The type of cry that makes snot run down your face and makes you look like a crazy person. It was a very difficult and obviously emotional moment, however as I left the cemetery, I realized that my ugly cry was truly a beautiful moment. How is that possible? No my pain is not graceful and it definitely isn't fun or something I would wish on anyone, but it can be beautiful. You see in those terrible, ugly cry moments of my life, I can still find beauty. I can still find beauty in my daughter and the blessing that she is. I can still find beauty in the memories that I have with Darren. I can still find beauty in the truth that God isn't done with me yet. I can still find beauty in the strength of a relationship with God that goes far deeper than anything I could ever imagine. I can still find beauty in the creation of this world and I can still find beauty in the truth that I will be reunited with Darren someday, for eternity. As we attended Ash Wednesday service at church, this evening, our youth pastor spoke about the significance of the ash and how from ash or dust we are born and how to dust we will return. This made me think even more about the beauty that come from our pain, from the dust that we started as and from the ugly cry and painful moments in our life. Maybe you need an ugly cry. Maybe our broken world needs to do some ugly crying. We tend to be so afraid of emotion and pain as a society that we hold it in and keep it together. Brokenness and tears can be something beautiful. When we admit that we are hurting and allow ourselves to process through things, it can be some of the best therapy ever. Sometimes we simply need to stop, have a good, old-fashioned ugly cry, let out our feelings and then move forward with a different perspective, looking around and finding the beauty in our lives. My life is full of lots of pain and sadness these days, but I'm going to choose to let my ugly cry moments be turned into something beautiful. We sang the song “Beautiful Things” to close out the service tonight. If you haven’t heard it, please go listen to it (I’ve attached a link to a YouTube video below). It talks about God making beauty and creating a new person out of the ashes and pain in our life. That is the perspective I want to have and I hope that you can have it along with me. God can turn the hardships and sadness in our life into something beautiful. The ugly cry and pain may not change your situation, but it may change your perspective. So, let out some ugly crying, face the pain and learn that there is beauty all around you and in you and that God is making something beautiful from the pain and the hardships you are facing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIroFNU1Y-Y To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory. Isaiah 61:3
2 Comments
Kathy Wheeler
3/2/2017 06:21:26 am
Amy, my heart is so moved by what you said in this post. First, I am so very sorry that you have to live with such pain and loss. My heart hurts for you and Kaitlin and I have wept and prayed for you many times over this. Second, I want you to know that God has taught me this very same lesson about dealing with my pain, both emotional and physical in nature. I just had my fifth surgery in a year. Twice my body tried to rid itself of 5 or 6 kidney stones at once. The first time I almost went crazy with the pain, begging to die. The second time I sought the Lord and He told me to embrace the pain and view it as a messenger that was for my good. Wow! I obeyed and found the painful experience much more bearable. But as you said, I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. Some day we'll have the whole picture. Until then, I pray God's richest blessings on you, my friend. I believe that a time of refreshing is in store for you that will knock your socks off! In His great love, Kathy.
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Amy Currin
3/2/2017 06:24:51 am
Kathy,
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