This week I feel worn out, worn down, emotionally exhausted and not sure how to continue on this road of grief. I'm sad, lonely, heartbroken and missing my best friend, Darren, more than anything.
This week is one of those special weeks that is supposed to be shared with Darren and instead I'm facing it alone. You see our only, beautiful, miracle child becomes a teenager this week. The child who Darren and I prayed for together. The child who we raised together. The child who had an inter-uterine birth defect and God miraculously healed. The child that changed our lives. The child that made us parents. The child that made Darren into an even better, more God-fearing man. A man that loved his wife and daughter more than anything, outside of God. The child who was and is the light of our life. Now, the only other person who loves her in the same way I do, is gone. I'm left to parent her alone. I'm left to try and instill in her all the things that her Daddy and I would have instilled together, without him. Some days I simply get overwhelmed by this "solo" parenting gig. How will the death of her dad affect Kaitlyn for years to come? Will we struggle through these teen years without Darren here to play referee and be our buffer when we are butting heads and both showing our stubborn sides? All of these questions seemed to rear their ugly faces as I'm faced with the fact that she is about to be a teenager and I'm parenting her alone. These questions haunt me as I look through baby and childhood pictures for her birthday. As I see the pictures of her and Darren and our little family and realize those moments are gone. Each time we are faced with a new "first," it hits both Kaitlyn and I hard. This week and the sadness of celebrating a milestone birthday without Darren has been incredibly emotional. Like I often do when I'm faced with these "firsts" and unbearable times, I try to step back, look up and trust in God. It may seem trite, but He continues to teach me lessons, especially when I'm faced with new challenges. I'm not going to pretend these lessons came easily this time. I've had to stop and look a little deeper and ask what I am supposed to learn through this? I share these lessons with you, so that you too can face whatever you may be going through and be able to still try to learn in those hard times. I also share from my heart about parenting, not to make you feel sorry for me and how hard it is to be a "solo" parent, but instead to give you a new perspective on parenting your kiddos and being grateful for who they are, no matter what the circumstances. 1. I'm learning most importantly that Kaitlyn has already been molded so much by who Darren and I have been as parents to her. She already has a great foundation. She has the influence of her Daddy and she will carry that with her through the rest of her life, even though she doesn't have the opportunity of having him walk beside her. You do make an impact on your kiddos. You may not see it when they are toddlers, but as you see them grow, you realize that they are turning into little people and you can and will impact them. Darren only had a short time with Kaitlyn, but his influence will last a lifetime. 2. I'm also learning that my child teaches me something new everyday and allows me to have a different, fresh perspective. There is a passage in the Bible about Jesus speaking about having the faith of a "humble" child. I really want to live my faith with a child like perspective. Kaitlyn stops and "smells the roses." She enjoys and embraces the little things and she doesn't get bogged down by being in a hurry or what she has to do next. She doesn't worry about money, the future or any of those things that God tells us not to worry about. The other day, we were talking about someone who was sick and how we needed to make sure to pray for them later. My sweet girl, said "mom, shouldn't we stop and pray now?" Talk about being convicted and needing to have her type of faith. I want to be that way and live with child like faith! 3. I am also learning that we need to allow other people around us to feed into our children lives and give them different things that we may not be able to offer. I've always thought I knew what was best for Kaitlyn. After all, God gave Kaitlyn to Darren and I, so we were responsible and we shouldn't need to have too many other influences besides us. However, it has become even more apparent since Darren died, that Kaitlyn needs other people in her life and we are blessed with some of the best. From my rockstar parents, siblings and family, to my stellar and supportive friends, Kaitlyn has so many people that love her and want her to succeed. I'm learning that it truly does "take a village" and I think as a society our kiddos could learn so much more by us allowing other amazing, godly people to influence them, surround them, show up for them, spend time with them, pray for them and be a light in their lives. Parenting is truly one of the hardest jobs and we can't go at it alone. No one will replace Darren in Kaitlyn's life, but I'm glad she has so many people that care about her and love her and that will be there for her for years to come. Yes, this week is hard and so incredibly overwhelming. Yes, I've cried myself to sleep missing Darren and wanting him here to celebrate Kaitlyn and the amazing teenager she is becoming. However through it all, I can learn, grow and find hope. Nothing will change my circumstances, but looking at things a bit differently does help me find peace, hope and ultimately faith through it all! Wow, I'm the mother of a teenager and I am so blessed to have the opportunity to call her my child. Happy Birthday, Kaitlyn Grace Currin, you are such a blessing to me and I couldn't be prouder of you, my beautiful girl ! Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. Matthew 18:2-4 NLT
1 Comment
Cathy Pennington
3/10/2017 09:33:52 am
Beautiful as usual and so very insightful. God is really leading you. A very good reminder of what an influence I am on my precious grandchildren. Thanks for being vulnerable and open with these tender and tough feelings. God is honoring Darren through you and blessing each of us who follow your journey. Prayers for both of you today as you face another tough first.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
Categories |