Our family on our trip to Washington D.C. Traveling has always been a core value and one of our passions that I don't apologize for. I've always apologized for everything. From a very young age, I picked this up and in college my friends joked with me about my obsessive need to apologize. Darren also used to tease me about it because I would apologize for things that were obviously not my fault. He always told me to stop apologizing and feeling like I had to make everyone else happy all the time. He wanted me to speak up and be myself and let go of the need to please. We even argued over this many times because he saw how hard it was for me to try and make everyone around me happy. I think that is where a lot of my apologizing comes from, the need to please. Actually, I know that it where it comes from, it is my desire to make everyone else happy. I'm a self-diagnosed people pleaser. Let me let you in on a secret, grief and people pleasing do not play well together! From the moment Darren died, I knew that these two worlds would not get along. I was obviously in shock after losing Darren so suddenly. When you are are in shock, you do not always say what you mean or know how to answer the questions that are asked of you. You often come across as short and even unkind. Yes, even through shock, I still felt the need to apologize. I apologized for not knowing the answers to questions, however, these were not questions I was prepared to answer. Where do I bury my husband? Do I have an open casket? What do I bury him in? Do I stay in my house? Do I let people help me with things that I only ever let Darren do? All of these were questions, that at 36 years old, I was not prepared to answer. I found myself continually apologizing and feeling bad for feeling so bad. I have often played the role of caretaker and fixer. I tried to help others and give to others. No, I was not perfect at this, but in most of my relationships, friendships and even in my family that was the role I played. I could no longer be that person and it wrecked me. It made me question who I was and what my new role would be. Would people still like this Amy? Was I only going to be good to others if I was the one fixing and taking care of things? I also struggled with losing the person who I felt was the best of me, so I apologized for not being as “good” of a person without Darren. I was also entering a new role as a single mom, the solo parent for Kaitlyn. This required energy in a way that I never expected. My child was and is going through such a hard time accepting, mourning and figuring out our new life without Darren. I was constantly worrying if I was doing the right things for her and I had to make some extremely hard decisions without Darren here to talk and walk that journey with me. All of these things, expectations, new experiences, fears and my new “normal” were hard to reconcile with the people pleaser I normally was. As, I’ve walked this journey over the last 11+ months, my need to please and apologize has started to change and hopefully grow me into another person. I cannot be the person I was before. I cannot take care of everyone else’s issues and problems, when I must most importantly take care of Kaitlyn and myself and slowly learn how to be all God is calling me to do in this new world of mine. I still struggle most days and I’m still learning to be this “new” person. I hope this person is a better person, a stronger person and a person that is more content with who God created me to be. I have struggled so many days to meet other people’s expectations. I’ve struggled with whether I’m doing the right things or not. I have worried what people think of me and my journey, I’ve wondered if I’m doing this right and I’ve changed. I’m definitely not where I want to be, but I’m slowly learning to stop apologizing. What does this mean to you and why am I sharing this? Well, I’ve looked around at others in similar situations to me. Many of the widow groups I am part of, include people asking questions about whether they should or shouldn’t be doing this or that. Whether there is a time frame for certain situations, feelings and changes. Time and time again, I see people worried about what others think of them. I wish I could resoundingly tell them to stop apologizing and allow themselves to become the best version of who God created them to be. I also see this in the world around us. From our selfie, Snapchat filter society to our kids that do things to make others happy. From the way we dress to the way we live our lives, we are so often focused on making others happy and we apologize for not being all that we are “supposed” to be. Why do you think that people go into debt? It is not because they need those things, it is because they want to put up a certain persona about who they are. Why do you think people change themselves through expensive surgeries, makeup or clothes? It is because they want to look the “right” way and please those around them. We have become such a people pleasing, wrong priority focused world. I would love for us all to stop apologizing. Stop trying to be something we are not. Stop caring about the wrong things and instead start caring about the right things. I’m not asking you to give-up or quit caring about others, instead I’m asking you to start caring about others in the right way. God has created you unique and who you are for a reason, you do not need to apologize for who you are. You need to instead be all you are created to be. If God has given you certain passions, joys and drives in your life, you answer only to Him, so follow those. Be who you are. Follow the heart God has given you and stop apologizing and living your life for others. I love this verse below. It speaks about spiritual gifts. If you don’t know what this means, it basically refers to the unique gifts God has given each of us, that help Him and show His love to this world. I love that this verse talks about doing everything for God’s glory. No, we don’t need to please people, but we do need to use our God-given gifts to love others without apologizing for those unique ways that He made us. I need to continue to learn this and follow on this road, will you take this journey with me? Become uniquely who God created you to be. Don’t apologize for things beyond your control. Love others with God’s love, but don’t worry about what they think of you. I think we will be much more content and our world will be a much better place, if we stop apologizing for who we are uniquely created to be. 1 Peter 4:10-11 NLT “God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever!”
2 Comments
Pat Ryan
4/11/2017 04:13:45 pm
It's like I'm listening of a recording of myself. Thanks for the insight.
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Lynn Cook
4/13/2017 04:21:58 pm
I am grateful to you for this... to read your blog today. A few years ago, I was given the affirmation "I am worthy" to speak aloud daily, along with other affirmations. I couldn't even say it without a catch in my throat and tears springing into my eyes. It's been a slow journey, but I realize that through God, we are all worthy. You've said it so beautifully, Amy. We don't live just to please others, for others' acceptance and recognition. You have reminded me to follow God's plan, and use His spiritual gifts to the best of my ability. Thank you; you are a blessing to others and may you always be blessed.
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