Darren & Amy before a Coldplay concert Surprise, surprise, Darren and I did not have a perfect relationship. We were together over 17 years and hundreds of arguments occurred in that time frame. I know I’ve mentioned that Darren was a LOT more easy going than I am. He let things roll off of his back, much better than me. I on the other hand have a temper, am a little (or a lot) more stubborn and like things done a certain way. This meant I won most arguments (at least in my mind), but I think Darren most importantly was okay with letting me be myself and support me even when he did not 100% agree with my point of view. One of the more memorable arguments came up when I wanted to get a tattoo. Darren was not opposed to them, but he did not necessarily want his 31 year-old wife getting one. I told him about how I considered myself an artistic person with no art abilities and that a tattoo was an outward symbol of things that I carried in my heart. It was also a tattoo that represented motherhood and came after a 5 year battle full of surgeries and ultimately the acceptance that we would never be able to have another biological child. It represented the miracle child that God had given me and how important that role is to me. So, with my side and his side presented, we finally agreed and I got my first tattoo. When Darren died, I immediately knew I needed another outward reminder of what was in my heart. Ironically after our arguments about tattoos, a tattoo was what I wanted to get to represent how important Darren was and would remain in my life. I joked that Darren would be mad, but I knew how he loved and supported me even when he didn’t 100% get my perspective. I did not know what I wanted and I truly believe that if you can’t imagine a tattoo that you are okay with having still when you are 90, you shouldn’t get one. After a reminder by a very wise friend, I started thinking about Coldplay, our shared music of choice. Darren and I often had different musical tastes, but Coldplay was one of those that we always agreed on and each Coldplay album represented different parts of our relationship and family. The most recent album, included a song called “Everglow.” I had listened to the song hundreds of times, but after losing Darren, like so many other things, it carried a new, deeper meaning. The whole song speaks about the light that those that have left us, leave us. It keeps us warm when we are cold and it shines on in our life, after they are gone. The last line simply says, “if you love someone, you should let them know, that they light they left you will Everglow.” I knew what I wanted and now I carry a daily, outward reminder of Darren that says “The light that you left me will Everglow.” On Sunday, our pastor spoke about the star that shone when Jesus was born that brought the wise men to see him. He asked us to evaluate whether our light was shining brightly and pointing people to God or whether the weariness and troubles of this world had dimmed our lights. This made me think of Darren and the light that he had here on this earth, the light that he has left me. What is the light that he has left with me? It’s the daily look that Kaitlyn has that is an exact replication of a look her dad made. It’s Kaitlyn’s silliness, laughter and corny jokes. It’s his friends who carry on sharing Darren sized love to the world around them. It’s him in my heart that tells me to love instead of judge. Taking each day as it comes and trusting in our God who will carry me. It influences each decision I make. It influences how I parent Kaitlyn. What type of friend I am. Whether I share the love of God with our hurting world. Living my life wanting to leave a legacy for my daughter that will shine on long after I’m gone. Darren’s light still glows in my life, in Kaitlyn’s life and in the life of everyone that he touched. Is your light shining? Are you living your life to help others and leave a legacy far beyond worldly things? Will you allow your light to be dimmed by this broken world or will you shine brightly to the people around you? I know for me, that daily, outward reminder that Darren’s light will Everglow in my life, changes my perspective and keeps me ‘focused on the right things. I pray that your light can shine and that you can carry on the legacy of those that have left this earth. Please keep your light shining in this dark world! Philippians 2:15 “...then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.”
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Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
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