Just some of the many amazing memories we were able to have with Kaitlyn. She may be our only one, but she is such a blessing and part of God's perfect plan for our family! If you are anything like me, you are always trying to plan ahead. What are you going to eat for dinner? What are you going to do this weekend? What next big trip is on your list? Where do you see yourself in the future? All of these things require planning, working towards a goal and expecting to see the results achieved and things turn out how you planned. (If you are not a planner, I hope you will still hang with me because I believe that everyone has a desire for some control of their future). I’ve been a planner since I was very young. I was always asking my parents what we had planned, what we were going to do, what fun things were in store. I had a plan in place about what my future would hold, what job I would have and what my “perfect” life would look like. When I look back on young Amy and her plans for the future, I realize that very few, if any, of those plans came to fruition. You see my life has not been a straight path, following a certain plan, and now as I sit on the other side of a very hard 14 months, I’m realizing that is okay. If you have seen a trend as of late in my blogs, it revolves around control. It is a funny thing when you write things out during the grief process and begin to see God working in and through many of the issues that I have always struggled with. Control is one of the ones that comes up again and again and it all goes back to the plan I had for my life. I would like to share, for a few minutes, about my plan and show how God’s plan has emerged instead. Maybe it will help you as you are facing an uncertain future. Maybe you need to be reminded like I often do, that we are not in control of our futures and we need to trust that God has a plan for our life, even when your life and my life does not turn out as expected. I grew up in a very typical, Christian family. My parents are still married and they love each other. We were not perfect, but we had a fun and memory filled childhood. I have a great relationship with my siblings and I’m blessed to have a role in each of my nieces and nephews lives. We were never wealthy, but I truly never knew what it was like to go hungry or have a need beyond those selfish things that all kids want. I was able to go to college and even had a scholarship that allowed me to graduate debt free. I married at 21 and Darren already had a brand new house that I helped pick out and decorate. We had our daughter when I was 24. We traveled. We never went hungry. We could afford Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, and anniversary gifts. I was blessed to be able to stay home with Kaitlyn when she was born and never have to put her in a daycare. If you see this side of my life, you might be tempted to say, that my plan went pretty perfectly and that I was able to control how things went and was incredibly blessed. I will agree that I was blessed. I know so many who have struggled more than I ever have, but things definitely did not go according to my plan, nor am I sitting on this side of the table thinking about how things have worked out exactly as I wanted or hoped. When I went to college, I started out as a pre-law major and quickly realized I was not smart enough or committed enough to pursue that degree. I then switched to criminal justice before finally settling on sociology. I went to the Christian college that all my family had attended and honestly I hated it the first year. I missed living in the Northwest. I missed the mountains. I missed my friends. I missed all of this so much, that I ended up applying for and being accepted to a large state college in Idaho. I was in the process of moving colleges, when my Mom and Dad, wisely ask me if I had sought God in this decision. Well, as a cocky 18 year-old, I hadn’t and quickly felt God telling me to put on the brakes for this cross-country move. I decided to stay at my college and 4 months later met Darren and 16 months later was engaged to be married to him. If I had followed my own “perfect” plan, I would have never married Darren, had Kaitlyn or been blessed by the friendships that I have from college that are still a part of my life today. When I married Darren at 21, I expected things to be amazing, happy and full of laughter each day. I’m not going to say that we didn’t have a happy, good marriage, but we did face a lot of trials in our marriage. When we had been married about 5 years, we faced some MAJOR marital issues. These issues sent us into counseling for 6 months. Things were bad and I almost walked away. I wanted to walk away. This was not part of the plan. My parents were happy and had given me a great example of a healthy marriage. How was it that I was being faced with trials in my own marriage after a few, short years? The controller in me, was angry and I wanted to quit and pursue my own goals and dreams and not work to try and make things work, but I chose to stay and fight for my marriage. Darren and I committed to make the best of a bad situation and it made us stronger and helped us rely more on each other and strengthened our relationships with God. We would have celebrated 15 years of marriage the month after he died and our marriage was better than it had ever been, when he passed. I’ve shared before that we struggled with infertility. Well, a lot of our marital issues stemmed from these issues and the feelings and stresses these placed on our marriage. We were incredibly blessed to have Kaitlyn after a very tough pregnancy, but we were angry that things did not work out for us to have another child. It didn’t make sense. We were good parents. We were making our marriage a priority. We could afford to take care of another child. We were ready with arms wide open to meet another child, yet for all our trials, testing and medical procedures, we could not conceive. It made no sense. I had always planned to have 4 kids. Darren wanted at least 3 and having an only child was definitely not part of our plan. How was this part of God’s plan? Though, I still grapple with this issue, God has taught me a great deal over the last 14 months about this part of His plan. Mainly, what He has revealed to me, is that we were able to have some special moments as a family of 3, that we would not have had the money or time to do, if we had a larger family. Darren and Kaitlyn had such a special relationship, because Darren was determined to make our only child a huge priority and create memories for her since she didn’t have siblings. It is so special to look back and see how God’s plan in our family was and is very different than my own “perfect” plan. As I look at my current life, nothing has gone as planned. I cannot say there is one area of my life that is exactly as I expected it to be. As I get closer to turning 40, I’ve become even more contemplative about the goals and plans God has for my future. I still work to understand how my life as it is, is God’s plan for me. How could a great God take Darren from mine and Kaitlyn’s life? How can I be back in the dating world as a grown women who expected to grow old with Darren? How can it be that I'll never have a "typical" family again? How could all this be His plan? How could I be faced with an uncertain future and believe it is His plan? These are questions that I face each day and yes there are times that they make me doubt, but I want to leave you with the lessons that my planning and the uncertainty of my future have taught me:
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
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Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
June 2018
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