Darren and Batman at the wax museum Darren always loved a good movie, show, series, comic book or band. He was the king of pop culture trivia. When you wanted to know the year a movie came out in or the date a band became popular, he knew it. He would even correct shows we watched when they gave the wrong date for something. He was a walking fact checker and even though it sometimes drove me crazy, I mostly loved it :-). He was constantly keeping me up-to-date on the best music or some show that I just had to watch. Most days, since he died, I find myself wanting to ask him a question about who sings a certain song that I heard playing or ask for a recommendation of a new show to start and I'm stuck trying to figure out who to ask or what to watch. (Fortunately, Kaitlyn is a LOT like Darren and she has already begun to absorb all kinds of pop culture knowledge, so he lives on in her). One of the shows that Darren and I enjoyed watching together was the British series, "Sherlock." It just has a way of capturing your imagination and hooking you into the story. It recently came back on and I struggled to sit down and watch this show without Darren. Like so many things, it made me want to have him beside me, sharing it with me and I missed seeing our shows through his eyes. The eyes that saw things with a childlike wonder. The eyes that searched for the deeper meaning and didn't miss anything. I finally convinced myself to watch the new episodes (heads up, I'm about the spoil what happens this season). At the end of the first episode, Dr. Watson's wife is killed saving Sherlock. It obviously was emotional for me, especially during the second episode when they are faced with the loss and how it affects everyone who is missing her. I tell you all of this, because the end of the second episode is profound and I haven't been able to forget what is said. Dr. Watson admits that he was not always the best husband to his wife and did some things at the end of her life, that he deeply regrets. He then says, "I want to be the man that she always thought I was." Wow!! What words to live by. We all have messed up our relationships and done things that we shouldn't, but most of us have people in our life who look far beyond all of those mistakes and see who we truly are and can be. For me, that was person was Darren. He knew me better than anyone and he loved me just the same. He saw my good days, my bad days, my REALLY bad days, my temper, my judgements, my bad parenting moments, my impatience and yet he loved me anyway. He always thought I was amazing even though he had seen it all. He is still believing in me and I am left to remember that I want to be who he thought I was. I may be a mess, most days, but I am also blessed to be a person called to a greater purpose. I have recently entered a new phase of my grief journey. It's the one where reality sets in. Everything, quite frankly, is harder and I yearn to have Darren by my side so much. For so long, I've made decisions with him and whether we agreed 100% or not about something, we still made the decisions together. Now, I'm left to make the hard, terrible, difficult decisions without him and I'm left questioning everything. I have searched to hear his voice in each decision and recently I'm and learning that I can be everything he already thought I was. He always believed in me and my abilities more than I believed in myself. He always knew I could make it, get through tough things and become more than I ever dreamed. Instead of just searching for what decision he would want me to make, I'm working to become all he already knew I was. I'm determined to truly be the best mom, daughter, sister, friend and person I can be. I don't need to have him tell me what to do because he knows I can do it and I will become all he already knew I was. What about those of you who are reading this and saying, "I've never had that person?" Or you may be saying "no one thinks I'm that great." I have one thing to say to you, there is someone who believes in you and thinks you are pretty amazing. Someone who loves you, even when you lose your temper, say things you shouldn't or aren't very kind to those around you. As cliché as it may sound, this person is God. He believes in you, loves you unconditionally and has called you to a greater purpose. I want you to believe that and trust that He will help you to become all the things that He already knew you were and that He created you to be. I too am blessed to have a God who believes in something greater for me. He isn't done with me yet and I want to be all He (and Darren) already knew I was.
3 Comments
Jim
1/17/2017 07:11:57 pm
Ok, Amy...now that I have wiped the tears from my eyes, let me say how powerful your voice is and will continue to be. I imagine Darren in a standing up to applaud this piece even though his eyes are filled with tears. I ache daily for you and pain of your loss, but what grace and beauty God is revealing in you. Thank you for your courage to share and for allowing those of us who know and love you both to see into your journey. Darren was one of the precious few whose life inspires us still to seek and honor Christ with every opportunity.
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Melodi McWilliams
1/17/2017 07:21:14 pm
I'm proud of you! This is amazing and great words for us all to think about. Thank you for opening up like this. Darren would be very proud!
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Dad
1/18/2017 11:32:01 am
WOW, we are wowed by your faith and insights on your journey. We are on our journey too, better because of you and Darren and Kaitlyn. Love, Dad
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Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
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