Kaitlyn and I admiring the Rockefeller Plaza Christmas tree! 2016 will go down as the toughest year of my life thus far, without a doubt. So many people around me keep saying they can't believe this year and all it has brought to our family and close friends. Yes, it has been terrible, but 2016 has taught me some valuable lessons that I will carry with me into the next year and beyond. I share these with each of you in hopes that my lessons can help you to see that even in the midst of mourning, sadness or whatever you may be going through, you can learn grow and become all God wants you to be. Don't miss the light that shines, even in the darkest nights. I learned that death can be a peaceful thing. My grandmother passed away in January. She was 91, had lived a long life, had been fighting dementia for years and was ready to see her Lord and Savior in heaven. I watched as my mom and her siblings each told her goodbye and tenderly cared for her on her deathbed. I watched as my grandfather, her husband of almost 70 years, told his bride goodbye. I watched as she passed onto eternity and as even in that moment there was peace in the midst of this sadness. I learned that death is not something to fear when you have the hope for an eternity in heaven with a God that has prepared a special place for us. When I look back at these lessons from January, I know that God was preparing my heart for what lay ahead. He was gently preparing me for the sadness that sudden death would bring. Another valuable lesson I learned in 2016, came after Darren’s death. I learned that the impact and legacy we are leaving reaches far beyond what we know when we are alive. After Darren died, so many came forward to tell me stories about how Darren had impacted their life, many of these things, I wasn’t even aware of. Person after person, told me that Darren was their “best friend.” So many people talked about how Darren touched and impacted their life. I will tell you that I know for a fact that Darren did not realize the impact he was having. Part of this was because he was just such a humble person, but much of this is because we don’t know how much we impact people. I think as humans we could do a better job of telling people how they impact us, but I also think that we need to just remember that we do not know who is watching or what they may need. You may be making a larger impact on those around you than you will ever know when you are here on this earth. Pay attention, care for others and don’t forget that your legacy and good name is something that you will carry with you long after you are gone from this earth. One of the most important lessons I learned is that my God is definitely bigger, stronger, and more amazing than I ever really comprehended. I grew up in a Christian home as a pastor’s kid. I accepted Jesus as my savior when I was 6 years old. My brother prayed the prayer of salvation with me. Yes, my life was devoted to God and His calling, but until May 3rd, 2016, I really never believed that God was stronger than anything I could face. I remember thinking after Darren died that there is no way I was going to survive this. I truly believed this would break me and that I would only be a shell of who I was while Darren was alive. I had lived a life devoted to God and Darren and I had been in the ministry, but I never had really let go and let God have complete control. When my world came crashing down around me, I truly had two choices. I could give up and give in to all my fears, doubts and worry or I could give up all my control to God and let Him lead and guide me. I chose the latter and I’m so grateful I did. I let my God take over, lead me, guide me, strengthen me and help me each second, minute and hour. He had been waiting almost 37 years for me to give over that complete control to Him and it took a tragedy for me to do it, but He was still there waiting and believing in me. He took over and He has directed each day of this journey. I still try to pull back on that control sometimes, but He gently reminds me that He is in control and that He is the only person who can be stronger and bigger than anything I face. I have people tell me how strong I am and I am quick to say that it is God. I am NOT strong, I am weak, sad, lonely and vulnerable, but my God is not. He is helping me each and everyday, He has carried me and he will continue to carry me every step of my life. Another valuable lesson that 2016 has taught me, is to allow others to help us. We are not meant to live our lives alone and do everything alone. Yes, God is ultimately our provider and strength, but He has put people into our lives to help us. I have never been good at letting people help me or do things for me. I always want to be the one doing things for others and this year, that had to change. I had to accept help and allow others to help take care of me. From financial assistance, to help with Kaitlyn, to meals, to prayers, to texts, to helping me around my house, I have needed people to help. I would not have made it without these people that God has placed in my life. If I had not given up some control and allowed them to step up and help me, not only would I have been robbing those people of the joy of helping, but I would have been robbing myself of the joy of receiving their assistance. Just like my control issues with God, this is a lesson that I still struggle with, but each day I’m learning to allow others to step up and be part of my journey. Finally, 2016 has taught me that we each have a purpose while we are here. I have grappled with the question of why God chose to leave me here and allowed Darren to die. I think part of this is just survivor’s guilt, but I think part of it was realizing the impact that Darren had on so many people. Because of his impact, I wondered about my true purpose. If I’m the one left, then God isn’t done with me yet. He has great plans and a purpose for me. He has started to slowly reveal this purpose to me, but I’m still having to trust in His plans for me. One thing that I know I’m here for is my beautiful daughter, Kaitlyn. Since Darren died we have become closer and have a stronger relationship than I ever hoped for or imagined we would. Her and Darren were so close and I always felt like the disciplinary who was left to do all the not so fun things. Now, I am still having to do the discipline, but I’m also getting to experience things with her that I was too busy or unwilling to see before. I am traveling with her and looking at things through her childlike wonder. She is so much like Darren, so that is a blessing each and everyday. I know that God is not finished with me yet and even though I may not know what the future holds, I do know that He holds my future and isn’t done with me yet. I pray that each of you have a good New Year. I pray that no matter what 2017 holds for you, that you will find joy, peace and learn the many lessons that lie ahead. I thank each of you that held me up in my sorrow and mourning and I hope that one day I can bless you the way you have blessed me. Happy New Year!
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Darren & Kaitlyn before the Daddy-Daughter dance last year. After almost 18 years of being with a self-proclaimed sci-fi geek, I saw my fair share of movies and shows in this genre. In many of them, there are stories about alternate universes or realities. They all have a twist on a similar idea. You either wake up or somehow tear through the space/time continuum to end up in a different universe. It looks very much like the world that you lived in with a few, marked differences. They may drive fancier cars, it may be brighter, drearier, more violent or dirtier, but you still recognize the streets and many of the people in this other reality. On the night that Darren died, I remember telling my mom to wake me up from this terrible nightmare over and over again. The next day, May 4th, it felt like I woke-up living in an alternate universe. Everything looked very similar to the world I woke up in on May 3rd, but somehow on May 4th everything was off. Everyone looked a little different, a little drearier, a little sadder and it definitely did not feel right. This reality was now my new reality and I was definitely not prepared for how it looked, felt or all that it meant to me and Kaitlyn. The morning Darren died, we had normal conversations. Kaitlyn and I were running behind, as usual. We went to tell Darren goodbye, as usual. I texted Darren during my day to let him know some news about school, as usual. He called me after work to tell me how his day had been, as usual. He called me to tell me he was running late, as usual. We ate a quick dinner and headed off to the gym. All of these things seemed so “normal” and definitely not part of an altered reality or universe. However, that night everything changed, shattered and will never go back to that “normal” reality. It’s amazing how one loss, event or tragedy and everything changes. It changes how the world looks. It changes the way you look at people. It changes how you look at the sunrise and sunset. It changed my marital status from married to widowed. It changed my child from having a dad to living in a solo-parent family. It changed how people viewed me, sometimes with pity (which I hate). It changed all of my future plans to grow old with Darren. It changed Kaitlyn’s future from the daddy-daughter dance, at her wedding, that she would never have, to her future school plans and all she would become. It changed my in-laws, it changed our extended family, it changed our friends, it changed our faith and it altered our reality. I have made a choice to wake-up in this new alternative universe each day and not give-up or give in to my fears, doubts and anxiety. I’ve also chosen to allow this altered reality to change my perspective, in a good way and not allow myself to become bitter. I’m choosing to not live in fear. I’m choosing to love more, hurt less, be a better mom, daughter, aunt, friend, and sharing God’s love without fear. I can never go back to the morning of May 3rd where things were “normal” and live it again, but I can choose to let this altered reality become a different, deeper thing. Because of this tragedy, I will not take a day of my life for granted. I will not take a moment I have with my child for granted. I will not take a moment I have to love others for granted. I would not change this perspective or view, even though I would give anything to have Darren back. Why do I tell you each about this alternate universe that I live in? Because I don’t want you to have to face a tragic event before you have this view and perspective. No, you won’t understand completely what this alternate reality feels like, but you can look at things differently. You can take each day as a gift. You can enjoy even the smallest and most normal interactions that you have with your loved ones. I would love to have one more moment to tell Darren how much he means to me. I would love to have another moment to hold him, hug him, kiss him or just talk to him. Don’t take those moments for granted! In a world filled with distractions and busyness, please choose to stop, look around at how truly blessed you are and let those closest to you know how much they mean. Maybe you don’t have a lot of people close to you or maybe life isn’t very happy for you in the world you are living right now. Maybe your marriage is on the brink of divorce, maybe you’ve turned your back on your faith, your friends or your family. Maybe you have lived for yourself and quit caring about others. What if you made a choice to change that today? What if you called up that person that you had a falling out with long ago and told them how much they mean to you? Today, you can choose to make that relationship better. You can choose to cherish your kids, even if they are not doing everything you would like for them to do right now. You have the opportunity to live in an alternative universe that allows you to look at things a bit differently. It may not be that different than the world you currently live in, but it could be a much better reality to live in. It may not happen in one day, one week or one year, but please remember that each day is a gift and some of us would give anything for one more “normal” day with those we love. Darren & Amy before a Coldplay concert Surprise, surprise, Darren and I did not have a perfect relationship. We were together over 17 years and hundreds of arguments occurred in that time frame. I know I’ve mentioned that Darren was a LOT more easy going than I am. He let things roll off of his back, much better than me. I on the other hand have a temper, am a little (or a lot) more stubborn and like things done a certain way. This meant I won most arguments (at least in my mind), but I think Darren most importantly was okay with letting me be myself and support me even when he did not 100% agree with my point of view. One of the more memorable arguments came up when I wanted to get a tattoo. Darren was not opposed to them, but he did not necessarily want his 31 year-old wife getting one. I told him about how I considered myself an artistic person with no art abilities and that a tattoo was an outward symbol of things that I carried in my heart. It was also a tattoo that represented motherhood and came after a 5 year battle full of surgeries and ultimately the acceptance that we would never be able to have another biological child. It represented the miracle child that God had given me and how important that role is to me. So, with my side and his side presented, we finally agreed and I got my first tattoo. When Darren died, I immediately knew I needed another outward reminder of what was in my heart. Ironically after our arguments about tattoos, a tattoo was what I wanted to get to represent how important Darren was and would remain in my life. I joked that Darren would be mad, but I knew how he loved and supported me even when he didn’t 100% get my perspective. I did not know what I wanted and I truly believe that if you can’t imagine a tattoo that you are okay with having still when you are 90, you shouldn’t get one. After a reminder by a very wise friend, I started thinking about Coldplay, our shared music of choice. Darren and I often had different musical tastes, but Coldplay was one of those that we always agreed on and each Coldplay album represented different parts of our relationship and family. The most recent album, included a song called “Everglow.” I had listened to the song hundreds of times, but after losing Darren, like so many other things, it carried a new, deeper meaning. The whole song speaks about the light that those that have left us, leave us. It keeps us warm when we are cold and it shines on in our life, after they are gone. The last line simply says, “if you love someone, you should let them know, that they light they left you will Everglow.” I knew what I wanted and now I carry a daily, outward reminder of Darren that says “The light that you left me will Everglow.” On Sunday, our pastor spoke about the star that shone when Jesus was born that brought the wise men to see him. He asked us to evaluate whether our light was shining brightly and pointing people to God or whether the weariness and troubles of this world had dimmed our lights. This made me think of Darren and the light that he had here on this earth, the light that he has left me. What is the light that he has left with me? It’s the daily look that Kaitlyn has that is an exact replication of a look her dad made. It’s Kaitlyn’s silliness, laughter and corny jokes. It’s his friends who carry on sharing Darren sized love to the world around them. It’s him in my heart that tells me to love instead of judge. Taking each day as it comes and trusting in our God who will carry me. It influences each decision I make. It influences how I parent Kaitlyn. What type of friend I am. Whether I share the love of God with our hurting world. Living my life wanting to leave a legacy for my daughter that will shine on long after I’m gone. Darren’s light still glows in my life, in Kaitlyn’s life and in the life of everyone that he touched. Is your light shining? Are you living your life to help others and leave a legacy far beyond worldly things? Will you allow your light to be dimmed by this broken world or will you shine brightly to the people around you? I know for me, that daily, outward reminder that Darren’s light will Everglow in my life, changes my perspective and keeps me ‘focused on the right things. I pray that your light can shine and that you can carry on the legacy of those that have left this earth. Please keep your light shining in this dark world! Philippians 2:15 “...then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.” The crazy trio having fun during Thanksgiving, 2015. As I enter Thanksgiving week, I'm finding myself struggling to be thankful through my current circumstances. I can easily find myself feeling sad, lonely, angry, depressed, frustrated and fearful, but thankful is not one of my normal reactions through my grieving days. I'm dreading this holiday season. The shared times as a family, the togetherness, the pictures, Christmas cards and family moments. Most of those include a regular family, not my 2 person family whose days are filled with much more sadness than joy. Truly what do I have to be thankful for and can we just fast forward until January? As I was struggling through these feelings, Kaitlyn and I sat down to do our devotions. That day's devotion was about being thankful in ALL circumstances, even in our suffering. As I continued to read the devotions and subsequent scriptures, I started to cry and was extremely convicted by the fact that I must be thankful in and through my present circumstances. Kaitlyn and I ended our devotions by discussing Darren and what we miss about him and what we are thankful for, even now. It was a great exercise to really contemplate how even in these terrible circumstances, we do have things to be thankful for. I remember much of my thankful attitude before Darren died was about material things and was normally followed by "it could be so much worse, so I guess I'm thankful." Well, now that I've lost Darren and suffered a tragedy far greater than any of those worse case scenario things I ever feared, I don't want to do that again. I also don't want my thanksgiving to be based on things I have, how much money I have in the bank, what job I have, car I drive or anything so temporary. My thanksgiving now is focused first and foremost on my relationship with a God who has carried me through the valley of the shadow of death. My thanksgiving is for relationships and the people God has surrounded me with. A closer relationship with my sweet daughter than ever before. Family and friends who have been by my side and who haven't left me alone in my suffering. A husband who left a legacy. A long-living, life breathing legacy. A legacy that pushes me everyday to love like he loved and live like he lived. A hope for heaven and the best reunion with Darren that is beyond my wildest dreams. So, instead of focusing on my present circumstances and suffering and living there, I will focus on those things I truly have to be thankful for. What if we shared those true and real things around the Thanksgiving table on Thursday? Instead of the obligatory, "I'm thankful for this good meal, car, house etc." Those things are ALL temporary. Darren took none of those with him. I still have all his stuff here with me on this earth. You know what we do carry with us eternally? Our legacy! Our relationships! The people we love and who love us! Don't forget what is important in this world and don't forget to be thankful in the midst of all circumstances. Happy Thanksgiving, friends and family, I'm SO very grateful for you! Always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:20 Some of our family on the day Darren baptized Kaitlyn. Monday night, I went to my grief support group. I have been blessed to start building relationships with some very amazing women in my group. As strange as it sounds, I look forward to this group each week and the conversations and connections that we have because of our shared grief. Monday night’s group, was particularly hard for me because we discussed regrets. I’ve never been one to focus on regrets, but grief brings forward a great deal of regret. We wrote down things we wish we could have done differently, what we wish we could talk to our lost loved one about and what we would do if we could still spend time with our loved one. I honestly, do not enjoy crying in front of people and am often perceived by even close friends and family as strong. This is definitely not true, but I fully admit it’s hard for me cry in front of people besides my closest friends and family. Monday night, I cried and I mentally relived the night that Darren died. As I wrote down my regrets, they flowed freely onto the page. I came to the question about what I wished I could do with Darren, if I had more time left. I was surprised to see that it wasn’t go on one last trip or do something extravagant. Instead it was spend time hanging out, cuddling, being together as a family and just enjoying the little things. A kiss, a hug, a shared TV show, while snuggling on the couch. A quick trip to the grocery store. A quick conversation about how our days are going. His input on what I’m doing with and for Kaitlyn. All of these seem so little and ordinary, but yet they are the things that I crave the most. I often spend my days alone with Kaitlyn and very little interaction with anyone else. Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed by that girl and all she means to me, but it is lonely. Darren was my lifeline. Through the years of having a young child, being a stay-at-home mom, cleaning people’s houses, PTO, and all the other odd jobs I did to help support my family, I never really built a lot of long-term relationships, I didn’t have to, I had Darren. He was my person, my best friend, the one who did all those little things with me and for me. When something broke or I was broken, he helped me get fixed. I miss each of those things and I regret ever taking them and him for granted. In our Facebook society, we don’t post a thank you note to our husband for picking up dinner, taking out the trash, hanging out with the kids just so we could have a much needed break. Those are the little things. We focus on the big, broadcast worthy things. We give the snapshot of a life filled with fun trips and perfect family photos. Yes, I believe those are still meaningful and important, but at the end of the day, what fills most of our moments together? Those little things. The things we take for granted and forget to say even a simple, “thank you” for. I would love to see us acknowledge those little things more often. I would love to see more Facebook posts and handwritten thank you notes written, praising our friends and family for the little things that they do. I’m praying that you don’t take those little things for granted and lose sight of how important they are to your relationships. We also need to be better about helping those that may not have people to help them with those little things. Your single friends, your divorced, single parent friends, the widow, the orphan, the elderly neighbor who never has a visitor. What little things could you be doing to make their day better? What things do we take for granted that we could do for others? I’m going to close by acknowledging some of the amazing people that have stood in the gap for me since Darren has died. No, they do not take his place and yes, I miss him and all of those little moments and things with every ounce of my being, but these people are just a few of the people that God has placed in my life that have helped me survive thus far in this crazy journey and done millions of “little things”. My parents, they have done too many “little things” to list, but mostly they let me cry, share and stand in the gap to help with Kaitlyn and love me unconditionally even in my most crazy moments. My brother, sister, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, nieces and nephews. They are the best family a girl could ask for. Not only have they grieved with me, they have held me when I cried, helped me fix things, find things and never been scared away by my grief. My best friends (you know who you all are :-)) . When Darren died they were all there, checking on me and they haven’t left my side. From the late night texts when I’m not able to sleep, to the conversations about heaven, to carrying on Darren’s memory, to helping with Kaitlyn, I couldn’t ask for better friends. There are so many more that have stepped in and provided lots of “little things” in Darren’s absence, but I would have to write a book to acknowledge them all. If you have texted, shown up with a meal, prayed for us, called us, supported us emotionally or financially, encouraged me or Kaitlyn when we were having a bad day, asked about how we were doing or simply cared, you have made a difference, so “thank you.” It means the world to us to have so many people who love and care for us in our darkest hours! When you get married, you choose the person who you hope brings out the best of you, for me this was Darren. I met Darren when I was only 19, he was 25 and he was smart, sweet and understood me in a way no one ever had. He had this tender-hearted way about him that just drew me to him. I knew I wanted to get to know him better and eventually he became my best friend and then my boyfriend and two a half years later, my husband. He challenged me and he helped me grow into a better person.
The day we stood before God and our family and promised to love each other "until death do us part," Darren shared his personal vows with me. They were eons better than the vows I wrote and they were incredibly emotional and heartfelt. I had no doubt of his love for me or that he would cherish me in the years ahead. Fast forward a few years, we were young parents, facing new challenges and our marriage hit a large pothole. We chose to fight and to fix what was broken, we reaffirmed our love and commitment to each other and we held onto "until death do us part." We hit a few smaller potholes, along the way, and we had to go back to that initial commitment and reminder of why we loved each other, but we stayed on that road, that route and even with those crazy potholes, we grew stronger and closer. We cherished our time together and our friendship and love for each other deepened. When I faced years of health issues, Darren was not only my nurse, but my cheerleader, my encourager and he reaffirmed his love for me each and every day of a VERY hard battle. I was not always easy to live with or love, but he still did. He never gave up on me, he always stood by whatever crazy idea I came up with and supported it (though I'm sure he was thinking I was CRAZY). I also started to see his confidence grow, he was being reaffirmed by me and by God that he had a greater purpose on this earth. This started to change him into an even more amazing person. He was quite literally the best dad to Kaitlyn. He loved to spend special moments with her and he looked for opportunities for them and our family to experience life together. He simply was the best father, husband and friend. No, not a perfect person, but an amazing, godly man who made my life worth living and who I consider to be my better half. Now, as Kaitlyn and I face an uncertain future without Darren, I'm left struggling with how to move forward without the best part of me. When you have someone who is your best friend, cheerleader, encourager, nurse, sounding board and an exceptional, loving father to your child, how do you do anything without that best part? How do you face the day alone? How do you make those hard decisions without them? How do I move forward without the best of me? This has been one of the hardest parts of this lonely journey. I am now forced to accept that I will not have Darren back. I will not have a regular conversation with him this side of heaven, but I am learning that I do still have the best parts of him. How is that even possible? Darren left me the best of him. I still can hear him telling me to go to the doctor when I'm sick. I still hear him gently reminding me to show Kaitlyn grace and love when all I want to do is yell at her. I hear him saying that he is proud of me, that he knew I could do more than I ever believed possible. After you spend almost 18 years with someone, those best parts live on in you. They have influenced you in so many ways and still continue to influence you in every decision and step you take. I also have the privilege of having the best of Darren in Kaitlyn. She is so much like Darren. Her sense of humor. Her love for life. Her compassion for those around her. The type of friend she is. She is truly the best of Darren. With God guiding me, Kaitlyn by my side and all the pieces Darren left me in my heart, I know that I still have the best part of me and I will face this journey everyday and make him proud. Top Left: Darren & Amy at Darren's 40th Star Wars Birthday Party. Top Right: Darren & Kaitlyn on Father's Day 4 years ago. Bottom: Darren teaching and following his passion. I used to be passionate, outspoken, unafraid to share and speak my mind, even when my views and priorities weren't directly in line with those closest to me. When and why did this change? Why did I suddenly care so much about being different? Why did I care if I wasn't a cookie cutter version of those closest to me? When did I lose my passion? Why did I lose my passion? I have lots of excuses and reasons that justify this loss and make it seem okay and dare I say it, "normal." None of these are okay! I was not made to fit a mold, fit in or be less than God created me to be. I was made to stand out, stand up for my beliefs and be passionate about what God has laid on my heart. Even in this journey of widowhood, where I feel so passionate about sharing and feeding into other people from my hurt, I hesitate. I stop and ask should I? Is this the right thing to share? Will people take this wrong? Will they think I'm exploiting my journey so people feel sorry me? Then I stop, feel convicted and reminded of the things that I'm passionate about. Those things that God has put on my heart and I trust in His calling and leading on me. The Bible tells us that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made." It does not say we are all made alike, for the same purpose or the same set of passions. If we all did the same job, hobby, exercise etc., how much fun would that be? But, dare I push this a step further? If we all were passionate about the same causes and people groups, who would be getting missed? God did not give you the same passions and calling as me and you must follow those. We all must begin to reach out to those that God has called us to help, without apology and without worrying about what others think. Who could you be helping today? I pray that you, like me, can stop worrying about upsetting others with our convictions. You and I can stop worrying about what people think of us. We need to look into our hearts and realize that we are all placed on this earth for a reason and for a short time, to be everything God has called us to be. I'll end by sharing about my favorite person and what he taught me in his short time on this earth. Darren was a writer and an amazing one at that. He could make even a real estate story come to life in ways most writers dream about. However, he found out that God had given him a greater passion to reach people with his writing about God. He felt so passionate about this that he left a very good job to pursue a job in the ministry. To the outside world, it didn't make sense and no it wasn't easy and honestly it was some of the toughest years in our family, but I wouldn't trade those 4 years he had of pursuing his passion for anything. He touched people with his words, he overcame a fear of speaking in public and helped lead hundreds through finding their God given purpose, people came to know God because of his writing, he changed into an even more amazing father and husband, all because he followed his passions and believed God had created him for something more. Be unapologetically you today. Don't be afraid to follow the passions that God has put on your heart. Stand up for those people groups that you know God wants you to. I promise you that even though it may not be easy and other people may not understand, at the end of your life, you will not regret following your calling and believing in those things you are passionate about. Today marks 4,380 hours since I've had Darren by my side. If you are trying to figure it out that is 6 months. I can't believe it has been that long since I've heard his voice, had a conversation with him, held his hand, kissed him, had him tell me he loves me or just had a glimpse of his face. There are moments that make those 6 months seem like 4,380 months, not 4,380 hours and then there are moments that make me think it was just yesterday because it seems impossible that he has been gone 4,380 hours.
In many ways, grief is like a roller coaster. You get to the top and think, "man that was hard, I'm glad I made it this far." Then comes the downhill, where you are falling with nothing to catch you and emotions running like crazy. We once rode "Rock 'n' Roller Coaster " at Disney World and it was inside and in the dark. We talked Kaitlyn into riding it by telling her that it did not go upside down because she was terrified of upside down roller coasters. We honestly didn’t know it went upside down and it was one of those parental fail moments. You couldn't see the turns, hills or loops that were up ahead. You really didn't know what was coming around the next corner, and that is definitely how grief works. It is not a cycle, a set of stages or a map written out for you, it is a dark roller coaster and everyone's ride is different. After 4,380 hours without Darren, I'm truly tired of riding this grief roller coaster. Most days, I brace myself scared of what's to come on the next hill for us and how we will handle it. On Tuesday, I had a particularly frustrating day trying to get things lined up at work (I recently resigned) and for Kaitlyn with her new school schedule. All I wanted to do was call Darren, have him listen to me vent and then give me some of his encouraging, wise words. Instead, I sat in my car and cried to Kaitlyn about how much I missed her Daddy and wanted him more than anything. I do continue to hear his voice, his wisdom and most importantly I try to make him proud, but unfortunately that doesn't take away the grief or allow me to get off this crazy roller coaster. I still have to face each of those hours alone and it is only with God's grace and His strength that I can continue to survive on this crazy ride. I would like to leave you with some encouragement (though I am trying to be honest about how hard this roller coaster is) and with the perspective of someone on the other side of loss. What will you do with the next 4,380 hours? Will you argue more with your kids and spouse; be angry at that crazy driver that cut you off; be resentful of the friend who is selfish; be unkind to the people around you that you don’t particularly like; lose your temper when things don't go your way; wonder why your life isn't better and constantly compare yourself with others OR will you seize each of those hours that you have been blessed with? Will you instead make the choice to tell your spouse, your kiddos, your family and your friends how much you love them, even when they disappoint or frustrate you? Will you make the sometimes unpopular decision to make certain things, like quality time with those you love, a priority or will you spend more time watching a favorite show and telling those around you to give you alone time? Will you go out to coffee or dinner with that friend who is hurting and spend some time feeding positivity and kindness into their life, even when you would rather be watching the aforementioned show? Will you reconcile with the person that hurt you and offer forgiveness even when you were the one wronged? Will you choose joy when life does not go your way, your finances are a mess or your co-workers drive you crazy? Please, hear this and please remember that you truly never know how long you have on this earth. If you are like the me before Darren died, you probably believe that it will never happen to you (I pray with all my heart it doesn't), but PLEASE do not allow this to let you miss a moment or take for granted those you love. Seize each and every moment and hour you have with those you love, enjoy them, forgive them, cherish them, love them and embrace the life that you have been given! My favorite role is being a mom. I always viewed my priority list as God #1, Darren #2 and Kaitlyn #3, when Darren died, Kaitlyn and being a mom, became even more important to me.
Kaitlyn is such an incredible and special child. She is compassionate, tender-hearted, loving, generous, an amazing friend and seriously the best kid a mom could ask for. She was a miracle child who shouldn't have been born healthy. Darren and I had all kinds of physical reasons that should have kept us from having kids and during fertility treatments to try and conceive a second child, we were told that we were one of those "one in a million chance" couples and the doctors were shocked that we had Kaitlyn. Not only is it a miracle that she was ever conceived, she also had a major intrauterine birth defect. We were told that it was an indicator of all kinds of issues and my ob/gyn painted us a very grim picture. After seeing a specialist, we were told that it was highly unlikely she would be born healthy and whole. She might not survive and if she did she would likely face an uphill battle. We had testing done, ultrasound after ultrasound done and told everyone we knew to pray for a miracle. I still remember the day we went into have my weekly ultrasound done and her brain was perfect and ALL signs of the birth defect were gone. The doctors told us that it sometimes happened and was a fluke thing, but Darren and I both knew it was a miracle and we praised our amazing God. Two and a half months later, we held our miracle, "Kaitlyn Grace Currin" for the very first time and we were amazed at how perfectly formed she was. I always believed that the pregnancy with Kaitlyn made her an extra special kiddo and everyday of her life I've been reminded that this is true. No, she isn't perfect, but man-oh-man, she is pretty amazing and I couldn't be prouder of her. Kaitlyn and Darren were so close. They were much closer than most dads and daughters. They played superheroes and Care Bears. They went to movies, they shared a love of all things geeky, they enjoyed traveling, shows, music, swimming, riding roller coasters and being silly together. When Darren died, the first thing she said about Darren was that he was the best dad in the world and she whole-heartedly believes that to be true. Kaitlyn and I constantly say that they fit more memories into the 12 years they had together than most daddy-daughter combos do in a lifetime. After Darren died, Kaitlyn mourned, cried, screamed and grieved, however my amazing girl was strong. She honestly was stronger than me. Yes, she had bad days, but most of the times she worried about me and comforted me in my sadness. She started attending counseling and did things that helped her, but she stayed strong. After school started again, I begun to see a new, sadder, darker child emerging and it was a terrible and scary realization. We struggled to get through each day and I watched her lose a little more of herself each day. Her sadness and grief started to be all I saw. At school, she continued to get good grades, keep it together and put on a happy face, but my little girl was hurting and breaking inside. She was trying to be strong, but the facade was quickly coming apart. This brings me to today and the lesson I'm learning on this terrible, hilly, rocky and tumultuous road called grief. I am having to remember that she is my priority and that what I was doing to help her was not enough. She needed to know it was okay to not be strong, to let down her guard and to make changes towards healing. We can no longer push through, try to be strong and make it. We must face our healing and do whatever it takes to get through this time. Yesterday morning I met with our school and we set-up a new plan for her. To those on the outside it might seem extreme or jumping the gun, but she is my priority, she is my calling and the only person I answer to is God. As scary as it is to make these changes, I know God is guiding and leading me. I have been blessed to be Kaitlyn's mom and through this grief journey, I must follow my heart and constantly trust that God is in control of this miracle child. I would tell any of you struggling to make those hard decisions for yourself, your kiddos, your family or your job, that sometimes you have to make the tough call and do what you feel called to do. God WILL guide, lead and provide! I'll leave you with a scripture from God's word, ask Him for wisdom with what you are facing and trust in the journey. James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. (NIV) I wrote this on May 20, 2016, 17 days after Darren died. It is the first "journal" entry I made, so it is a hard and raw one. I'm glad I was able to write down how I was then and what I was faced with, so I can see how far God has brought me in the last 5 months. This was also the first night that Kaitlyn and I stayed in our home after Darren died. I pray that it can encourage you with whatever you may be facing today. God is ALWAYS with you and He will never leave you or forsake you. God Bless!
Love, Amy May 20, 2016 Seventeen days ago my life changed and tilted in a way I could not have ever imagined, even in my worst nightmares. I still feel like I'm living in a TERRIBLE nightmare every second of every day, that I need to wake from. It seems surreal that at 36 years old, when you dream you have the rest of you life left with someone, instead you will not see them on this side of eternity. That evening of May 3rd, will forever be etched, in my mind. Watching the man I spent my life with suddenly fall so sick and without warning pass from this life to eternity. This is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy. The pain is immeasurable. The heartbreak is unbearable and the desire to have him back for even just one moment, never leaves me. To not only experience this pain, personally, but also to watch my only child deal with the loss of her Father, makes my heart split into a million pieces. The one hope I hold onto and believe in, is that I will be reunited with Darren in eternity. It keeps me fighting, give me hope and strengthens me. I'm so grateful to a God that loves me, just the way I am. In all my anger, sadness, jealousy, doubt, fear, worries and grief, He still loves me and cares about me. He gives me strength for each day. He holds me when I fall down. He never gives up on me. Thank you, Jesus. My prayer: Jesus, give me the strength to sleep, in our home, for the first time since Darren's death and not be afraid. To Darren: Thank you for loving me and giving me 17 years of your amazing life. I miss you so much, babe. Enjoy heaven until I get to meet you there. Enjoy Nanny's cooking. I love you and please remind God to comfort Kaitlyn and I in our weakness and sadness. You are missed!!! |
Amy C.A young widow searching and sharing God's goodness. Archives
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